My Struggle with Myself
Assalamu’alaikum,
I’m writing this because I feel quite uneasy about this problem that i have. I’m 19 years old, I graduated high school in 2025, and now I’m in my second gap year. It wasn’t the plan. My parents are going through some really hard economic times right now. They are the best, most genuine people I know, and seeing them struggle makes my heart ache.
While my friends are out there “living their lives to the max,” I’m here at home, trying to help them as best as i can and accompany my family through this.
To keep my brain healthy, I dived into religion. It’s my solace, i always found peace and happiness whenever i learn it. But I have a problem: I forget things easily. I can’t memorize verses or hadiths perfectly since i was a little until now. So, to preserve what i had learn and discovered, I started writing.
I have this 170-page diary filled with hundreds of authentic hadiths, hundreds of arabic verses with its translations, 99 names of Allah with His 20 Attributes, some tafsirs, authentic dua from prophet.
All of this just so I don’t lose the knowledge that Allah has given to me. It’s like my backup brain and my habit. If I don’t write it down, I’m afraid in the future it would vanish either if some bad things happen to me or i stray away from my fitrah which ended up making me forget the religion and I’ll be left with nothing.
In school, everyone called me “pious” or “the religious guy.” and that label terrifies me. They only see the guy who follow the Sunnah and staying away from sins… They don’t see my personal weaknesses or the sins I struggle with every day. I feel like a total fraud.
I’m very self aware that I’m being “too serious” for my age, but I don’t know any other way to find peace other than writing.
Out of that loneliness and the “burden” of the things I learned, I started a blog called “Minaret of Reason.” in Medium.
I made a logo and everything, because I was bored and needed to “tidy up” my brain while I sat in my room alone. I thought writing was safer than being on camera—I could edit my mistakes and hide behind an account, plus, nobody reads a random online personal articles about religion because most of the time people are too lazy to read.
But then, some people started to read it and following me. They’re “clapping” for my posts. And the fear is back. I’m scared I’m doing this for validation or to be popular.
I’m scared I’m becoming prideful of my own words.
I’m scared that if I keep going, I’m just a giant hypocrite.
But then I read the hadiths about the sin of hiding knowledge, and I feel trapped. If I keep writing, am I just feeding my ego? If I stop, am I failing God and letting everything I learned risked of being forgotten by myself?
I’m just a guy in a gap year trying to do the right thing, but I’m terrified that my own heart is going to betray me.
How do I keep sharing the knowledges that i gained without becoming arrogant? should i just stop?
How do I deal with people thinking I’m “pious” when I know how much I struggle?
Jazakumullahu Khair.
Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu!!
First, I wanted you to acknowledge that what you wrote reflects a very sincere and sensitive heart. The fact that you are worried about your intention is not a sign of hypocrisy ,it is usually a sign of Iman and sincerity. Hypocrites rarely worry about their intent
Many of the righteous people before us felt exactly the way you do. Your fear of hypocrisy is actually a good sign.
Even great companions like Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA)were afraid of hypocrisy.
Think about that: a companion promised Paradise still feared hypocrisy…
Your fear shows that your heart is alive, not corrupt.
Writing to preserve knowledge is a noble practice.What you are doing is writing hadith, verses, tafsir, and dua , it is actually a classical Islamic tradition.
Many scholars preserved knowledge through notes.Even the great scholar Imam Al-Nawawi compiled knowledge from many sources to preserve and share it. His famous work Riyadh as-Salihin is basically a collection of hadith organized for people to benefit.Your 170-page diary is not strange. It is actually beautiful.And the fact that you write because you forget things easily shows humility, not arrogance.
Sharing knowledge does not automatically mean showing off.
The key in Islam is intention (niyyah).
The Prophet ( SAW)said: “Actions are judged by intentions.”You cannot completely control how people perceive you, but you can keep correcting your intention.A practical way to deal with this is:Before posting or teaching, you should quietly make dua:“O Allah, make this purely for Your sake, and protect my heart from showing off.”
Intentions also change constantly. Even the scholars said they had to renew their intentions again and again.
So the solution is not to stop doing good.
The solution is to purify the intention repeatedly.
Arrogance in Islam is not sharing knowledge.The Prophet (SAW)defined arrogance as:
“Rejecting the truth and looking down on people.”
If you still feel:afraid of your ego,
aware of your sins,humble about your knowledge then that is the opposite of arrogance.That’s not arrogance.
About people calling you “Pious”:
This is very uncomfortable for many sincere people.People see your public side.Allah sees your struggles.And Allah rewards the struggle. Your situation with your family,what you are doing right now is extremely honorable.Helping your parents during hardship is one of the greatest acts in Islam. Supporting your parents during financial difficulty is far more valuable than what many people call “living life.”Your gap year may actually be a hidden blessing where Allah is shaping your character.
You don’t have to stop writing now. Instead, you can set spiritual guidelines:
Keep writing for yourself first.
Your diary remains your primary intention.Share knowledge, not yourself.
Focus on the hadith or verse, not personal praise.Remind readers that you are a student too.You can say:
“These are reflections from someone learning, not a scholar.”
Keep private worship that nobody knows about.Secret good deeds protect the heart from showing off.
One more important thing
You said:“I’m scared my heart will betray me.”The fact that you worry about your heart means you are guarding it.
The believer worries about his intentions, while the hypocrite feels safe.
Finally ,You are a 19-year-old who helps his struggling parents,spends time learning religion,writes hadith and Qur’an
worries about sincerity.That is not hypocrisy.That is a young believer trying to protect his heart.Balance your social life: Even 15–20 minutes a day connecting with a friend or family helps prevent overthinking.Avoid comparisons: Your journey is yours alone.Remember your parents’ support: Helping them now is a form of worship.
Post Without Immediate Feedback.
Don’t check claps, comments, or followers for at least a few hours.
If anxiety comes, silently remind yourself:“I wrote this for Allah, not for humans.”
Thinking ,I have to be perfect to be sincere.Many young believers feel:
If I sin, or forget, or struggle, I’m a fraud.
Sincerity is not perfection.
The Prophet (SAW)said:
“Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.”
Struggling with sins and weaknesses doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It’s your awareness and effort that counts.
When you make a mistake, turn to Allah immediately, rather than punishing yourself mentally. Then your heart will grow stronger.In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
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Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
