My Struggle with Myself

Waalaikumussalam varahmathullahivabarakathuhu!!

First, I wanted you to acknowledge that what you wrote reflects a very sincere and sensitive heart. The fact that you are worried about your intention is not a sign of hypocrisy, it is usually a sign of Iman and sincerity. Hypocrites rarely worry about their intent
Many of the righteous people before us felt exactly the way you do. Your fear of hypocrisy is actually a good sign.
Even great companions like Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA)were afraid of hypocrisy.
Think about that: a companion promised Paradise still feared hypocrisy…
Your fear shows that your heart is alive, not corrupt.
 Writing to preserve knowledge is a noble practice. What you are doing is writing hadith, verses, tafsir, and dua, it is actually a classical Islamic tradition.
Many scholars preserved knowledge through notes. Even the great scholar Imam Al-Nawawi compiled knowledge from many sources to preserve and share it. His famous work Riyadh as-Salihin is basically a collection of hadith organized for people to benefit. Your 170-page diary is not strange. It is actually beautiful, and the fact that you write because you forget things easily shows humility, not arrogance.

Sharing knowledge does not automatically mean showing off.
The key in Islam is intention (niyyah).
The Prophet ( SAW)said: “Actions are judged by intentions.” You cannot completely control how people perceive you, but you can keep correcting your intention. A practical way to deal with this is: Before posting or teaching, you should quietly make dua:“O Allah, make this purely for Your sake, and protect my heart from showing off.”
Intentions also change constantly. Even the scholars said they had to renew their intentions again and again.
So the solution is not to stop doing good.
The solution is to purify the intention repeatedly.
Arrogance in Islam is not sharing knowledge. The Prophet (SAW)defined arrogance as:
“Rejecting the truth and looking down on people.”
If you still feel: afraid of your ego,
aware of your sins, humble about your knowledge then that is the opposite of arrogance. That’s not arrogance. 
About people calling you “Pious”:
This is very uncomfortable for many sincere people. People see your public side. Allah sees your struggles. And Allah rewards the struggle. Your situation with your family, what you are doing right now is extremely honorable. Helping your parents during hardship is one of the greatest acts in Islam. Supporting your parents during financial difficulty is far more valuable than what many people call “living life. “Your gap year may actually be a hidden blessing where Allah is shaping your character.

You don’t have to stop writing now. Instead, you can set spiritual guidelines:
Keep writing for yourself first.
Your diary remains your primary intention. Share knowledge, not yourself.
Focus on the hadith or verse, not personal praise. Remind readers that you are a student too. You can say:
“These are reflections from someone learning, not a scholar.”
 Keep private worship that nobody knows about. Secret good deeds protect the heart from showing off.

 One more important thing
You said: “I’m scared my heart will betray me.” The fact that you worry about your heart means you are guarding it.
The believer worries about his intentions, while the hypocrite feels safe.
Finally ,You are a 19-year-old who helps his struggling parents, spends time learning religion, writes hadith and Qur’an
worries about sincerity. That is not hypocrisy. That is a young believer trying to protect his heart. Balance your social life: Even 15–20 minutes a day connecting with a friend or family helps prevent overthinking. Avoid comparisons: Your journey is yours alone. Remember your parents’ support: Helping them now is a form of worship.
Post Without Immediate Feedback.
Don’t check claps, comments, or followers for at least a few hours.
If anxiety comes, silently remind yourself: “I wrote this for Allah, not for humans.”
Thinking ,I have to be perfect to be sincere. Many young believers feel:
If I sin, or forget, or struggle, I’m a fraud.
 Sincerity is not perfection.
The Prophet (SAW)said:
“Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.”
Struggling with sins and weaknesses doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It’s your awareness and effort that counts.
When you make a mistake, turn to Allah immediately, rather than punishing yourself mentally. Then your heart will grow stronger.In Shaa Allah!!



Warm regards,

From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Waakaykum assalam dear brother,

May Allah reward you for your effort in trying to care for your parents during this difficult time. May He also reward you for all of the work you are putting into learning more of the deen.

Your second gap year—although it may be unexpected—could be a means of you achieving wonderful things that will benefit you both in this life and the next. Taking care of your parents allows you to spend more quality time with them. Something that many children of deceased parents wish they had. Learning more of the deen, and spreading this knowledge allows you to gain continuous good deeds, insha’Allah. Think of this time as a seed that is starting to sprout. You’re building the foundations needed to have your own family one day, insha’Allah.

As far as the fear of pride or arrogance this is a good position to be in. It shows that your heart is alive and wants to do the right thing. As long as this fear is present, it means that your heart is in a good position, insha’Allah. Ask Allah to guide your heart by using the dua that was most often made by our Rasool ﷺ.

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ ‏
“O Changer of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.”
“Ya Muqallibal-qulub, thabbit qalbi ‘ala deenik.”

This dua is powerful as it demonstrates that the heart is not something that stays stagnant. It constantly turns and therefore we need our Rabb to turn it back to Him. One thing that helps in avoiding arrogance in an intellectual sense is to learn from individuals who are much more knowledgeable. An ayah in surah Yusuf mentions

وَفَوْقَ كُلِّ ذِى عِلْمٍ عَلِيمٌۭ
“Above everyone who has knowledge there is the One who is all knowing.”
12:76

The more we learn of anything, specifically in context you are mentioning (i.e. deen) it is humbling when we meet an individual with more knowledge than we have. I am very much a beginner in learning Arabic and whenever I hear of my teacher explain a concept that I have yet to learn, it reminds me of just how little I actually know. This ayah reminds us that there is always someone who has more knowledge but above all. Allah (SWT) is the One who has full knowledge over all things. If you feel the fear of arrogance creeping into your heart remind yourself of Allah’s name Al-Aleem. (The All-Knowing) https://understandquran.com/and-the-answer-is-al-aneem/. No matter how much knowledge we acquire over our lifetime there will always be someone else who has more/deeper knowledge on the topic, and above all is Allah’s infinite knowledge.

Don’t discontinue your learning. If Allah has blessed, you with a gift of learning and teaching then it is showing gratitude to Him by continuing on this path. You are benefiting not just yourself but others with the knowledge you have gained. If everyone in the world of learning and teaching were to give up their knowledge-seeking due to the fear of arrogance then we would not have huge volumes of scholarship, tafsir, taddabr…etc.

I know it is easier said than done, however, do not concern yourself with what others say. What people say of us does not affect how Allah (SWT) sees us. For Allah sees who we really are to our core. If people think you are pious or you hear some praise or complement you can recite this dua to yourself that was said by a beloved companion of rasool’Allah ﷺ—Abu Bakr As-Siddique (RA).

[وَاجْعَلْنِي خَيْرًا مِمَّا يَظُّنُّونَ] اللَّهُمَّ لاَ تُؤَاخِذْنِي بِمَا يَقُولُونَ وَاغْفِرْ لِي مَا لاَ يَعْلَمُون
Allāhumma lā tu’ākhidhnī bimā yaqūlūn. waghfir lī mā lā ya`lamūn[waj`alnī khayran mimmā yaẓunnūn].
O Allah, do not call me to account for what they sayand forgive me for what they have no knowledge of [and make me better than they imagine].

May Allah strengthen you my brother to preform deeds that are pleasing to Him. May He alleviate your parents of their hardship and turn their difficulties into ease. May He purify you and your intentions and allow you and your knowledge to be a source of light for others around you and for generations to come, ameen.

All the Best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL