I honestly don’t know what to do anymore
I’m a 17 year old boy and in a couple of months I’ll be 18 years old. I’m currently addicted to pornography and have been trying on and off to go to the right path and come back to Allah but failed. However, that is a story for another time.
Today I just want some answers to an event that happened to me that happened before this year’s Ramadhan that has been gnawing at me in last couple months.
As I have told in the post before, I’m currently 17 years old. For most of my teenage life, I’ve been addicted to porn. It all started when I was 11/12 years old during the pandemic and has now stuck with me ever since. For the longest time, I thought that I might not be able to get out, that I might just be a sinner for the rest of my life. I’ve tried repenting until I’ve lost count of how many times I did. I feel angry, guilty, and disappointed in myself. I want to come back but I keep failing, I keep betraying Allah and it makes the feeling even worse. I hate myself and I still do.
But, one time, I had a sliver of hope. Long story short, I was doing a group project with my friends. At first it was going smoothly, the prototype was finished on Saturday February 7. Originally, I had extra lessons I should’ve attended. But because I was busy (and I was also sick that day), I asked my mother to tell them I was not coming, my mother hesitated (sometimes I feel like my mother cares more about me as a student than as a person, this will be important later) but considering the condition I was in, she gave me permission. After that, I continued working on the project until it’s done. After it’s done, I went to sleep on my friend’s sofa since I was sick that day. I would also like to mention when it was Saturday, I was on my 9th day of not masturbating. It has been a long time since I have a good streak so I was quite happy, I was also starting to get on track to come back to Allah, taking my salat more seriously, dzikir after salat, it was nice. I felt like I was on the right track
Monday came, this week was a special one, because we had no normal school subjects. We had practical exams for the whole week instead, so we also get to go home earlier than usual. After finishing my practical exam that day, some of my group teammates decided to continue working on the group project. Originally, I wanted to come too, but I was still sick (I got sick for a pretty long time when all of this happened), so I went home instead. Unbeknownst to me, one of my group “friend” decided it was a good Idea to completely rip apart the first prototype to make the second one. Long story shot he FAILED and know my whole group is back to square one. Fast forward to Thursday February 12, I decided to help complete the group project (Extra info: none of my group friends could help him since he was egoistic but also incompetent, every time they tried to help, he would shrug them off and tell them he’ll do it himself). At this point I was a bit tilted, not only do I have practical exams, but now I also need to finish the group project again. It just so happens that today I had the extra lessons again (for context: I have extra lessons at Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. When it was Tuesday during my practical exam week, I asked my mother If I could only do half of the extra lessons since I need to help my group. She said no, but do you want to know what’s the most ridiculous part? her reason that I couldn’t do half session is not because she’s worried about me falling behind. SHE’S EMBARRASED BECAUSE ON SATURDAY I WAS SICK AND THE EXTRA LESSONS TEACHER CALLED HER TWO TIMES. I would’ve been fine if it were because of the former but hearing that, made my heart sank. I know it was just a small comment but for some reason it really bothers me, It’s almost as if she cares more about Image than me, then what am I mother 🙁 ). Anyways, there are multiple of source of “unease” on my mind.
1. I have to finish the prototype today since tomorrow I need to bring it to school
2. I’m on my 14th day of no masturbation, so the urge at the time was high but still manageable as long as I keep calm
3. I’m having extra lessons today so It’ll hinder my group project progress
4. The line that my mother said
Fast forward, I worked after dzuhur until asr, after that I went to the extra lessons place to study. Do you know what happened when I left my friend’s house? My group “friend” accidentally cut a copper wire and short circuited the whole thing. When my friend picked me up from the extra lesson place he told me about it and I was so done and tired to the point I just stopped, like I didn’t care about the project anymore, I just want to get it done. Also, I’m staying overnight at my friend’s house since I need to help my group “friend” who is egoistic but also incompetent. Fast forward to 12 AM, it’s dead of night, we’re almost finished but we ran out of materials, In conclusion we failed, I spent three hours trying to finish this project and we failed, you know why? Because my incompetent group friend didn’t account for anything, he just went with whatever happens mentality, so basically he had no concrete plan from the beginning, only some rough ideas. After that happened, he went on to sulk LIKE A CHILD AND WATCH A VIDEO ON HOW NOT TO KILL YOURSELF. HE DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW I FELT, HE ONLY CARED ABOUT HIMSELF. I could’ve ripped his whole sulking into shred but I was dead tired, so I went back to my friend’s room and went to bed. Originally, I didn’t want to stay at my friend’s house, I wanted to go home, I originally didn’t want to help the group project since it was hard to work with that person. The only reason that I went to my friend’s house (for context this friend’s house is a different friend, not the other incompetent guy) was because I keep having thoughts of what my mother said, I was still shaken by what she said that day and decided that I’ll just sleep at my friend’s house.
I finally went to bed at 00.30 in the morning, but I couldn’t sleep, my other friend was snoring so hard. Every single time I asked him to not snore he’d continue snoring moments later. I couldn’t sleep, I only got two hours of sleep that night. from 2 AM – 4 AM. When I got woken up by my other friend’s alarm (for context there are 2 friends and one incompetent guy, the alarm is from the other friend, not the friend who owns the house) I had it, I was DONE. I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I decided to do salat tahajjud until I can do my fajr. In that tahajjud, I ask to Allah to give me strength, I asked to Allah to please give me peace if this is one of your challenges, I can feel my urge getting bigger because of the stress, I BEGGED Allah for help. After I’m done with my salat, I went to take a shower, get dressed, grab all of my belongings, wake up my two other friends and the incompetent guy for fajr and left for school. I was SICK, I was TIRED, I was sleep DEPRIVED.
At this point I was done. I spent all day with a hazy mind, I couldn’t focus, I feel sick, I was stressed, the urge is getting stronger. When I got home and it was noon, I couldn’t handle it anymore, my patience broke. I immediately masturbated after 14 days of not masturbating. Until this day, I haven’t been able to get past more than 4 days
So, I just have one questions
WHY? WHY DID THAT DAY HAPPEN? WHY? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?????!?!!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I WAS DOING GOOD, I WAS ON THE TRACK FOR A WHILE, I AVOIDED STIMULATING MATERIALS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, I DO MY SALAT MORE SERIOUS, THERE WERE MANY NIGHTS WHERE I FOUGHT OF THE URGE. I WAS HAPPY FOR THE TIME BEING. SO WHY??!! WHY YA ALLAH??? WHY DID THAT HAPPEN YA ALLAH??! WHAT LESSON WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE??!! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO YA ALLAH? I ASKED, I ASKED FOR YOU TO GIVE ME STRENGTH, YET I FELT NOTHING. I FELT NOTHING. NOT ONCE IN THAT DAY THAT I HAD A MOMENT OF PEACE SO WHY YA ALLAH? DOES HE HATE ME? AM JUST NOT A GOOD PERSON? AM I SENTENCED TO HELL? WHY YA ALLAH??!! I BEGGED AND PRAYED FOR A QUESTION, FOR AN ANSWER, AND I GOT NOTHING. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, I TRIED MY HARDEST TO GET BACK ON THE TRACK, AND SUDDENLY IT ALL FALLS APPART LIKE DOMINO, ONE THING LEADING TO ANOTHER THING. WHAT LESSON WAS I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND YA ALLAH??!! WHY YA ALLAH??!! PLEASE ANSWER ME, I DONT UNDERSTAND
and from that point on this thought has always been ravaging my mind, I just don’t understand anymore. Why? Why did that day happen? it was so destructive it’s almost ridiculous. It’s like Allah was punishing or toying with me that’s why I don’t understand… why ya allah…
So please, do you have an answer to to my problem. I don’t know if I should continue believing or just give up, I feel tired.. broken… my spirit to fight doesn’t exist anymore. I was spiteful during Ramadhan and I still am. It’s so bad to the point that my family even give me lecture but every time I hear it it just fills me with rage, it’s like they’re mocking me. I know they meant well and that they don’t know the full story, but even if I do tell them, they’ll definitely just answer me to get over it and keep believing. But how? how can I believe when at the lowest point in my life… I felt NOTHING.
Am I a bad person? will I be able to go to heaven and see Allah and the prophet? Maybe I am just a bad person. I don’t know anymore.
Thank you for submitting your post to Stones to Bridges! We pray you will find the responses below beneficial. If you find these responses helpful, we’d love for you to share what you appreciated and how you feel it might help you moving forward in the comments section below!
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum Brother!!
I’m really glad you said all of this out openly. What you’re describing is intense, but it actually makes a lot more sense than it feels right now. First, I’m going to be very direct with you: That day wasn’t Allah punishing you or toying with you. It was a perfect storm of human stress, exhaustion, and triggers.
Look at what actually happened, not emotionally, but realistically: You were physically sick. You were sleep deprived (2 hours of sleep).You were under academic pressure. You were dealing with a difficult, frustrating teammate. You felt hurt by your mother’s comment. You had zero mental recovery time. You were already on day 14, when urges are naturally stronger. That’s not a normal day. That’s an overload.
When the brain is exhausted, stressed or emotionally hurt it loses self-control capacity. This isn’t weakness it’s how the brain works. Even very disciplined adults break under that combination. So the real answer to your “WHY?” is this. Because you were pushed past your limit. Not spiritually abandoned. Not cursed. Not fake in your efforts. Just overloaded as a human being. About your dua (this part matters a lot).You said: “I asked Allah for strength and felt nothing.” I understand why that hurt. But strength doesn’t always come as a feeling of peace. Sometimes strength looks like: you lasting 14 days when you used to not be able to, you praying Tahajjud despite being exhausted, you fighting urges for days before that moment. That was strength already happening.
But here’s the hard truth, Dua is not a guarantee that the situation will become easy. Sometimes it gives you the ability to try and the test is what you do when it’s still hard. That day, the difficulty didn’t decrease. It increased. And yes you fell. But falling after 14 days of fighting is not failure in the way you think it is. You’re asking a deeper question: “Am I a bad person? Does Allah hate me?” No. And I’m not saying that just to comfort you. A “bad person” doesn’t feel this level of guilt. Cry out like this. Keep trying to come back. Care this much about Allah. What you’re describing is actually the opposite. You’re someone who is struggling but still turning back.
In Islam, even repeatedly falling and returning is still valued. The door doesn’t close because you failed again. Even emotionally healthy people feel “nothing” under that level of stress. The real lesson from that day (not punishment).If we strip away the pain, the lesson is actually very practical. You cannot rely on willpower alone when your life is chaotic. You need structure, especially for addiction recovery. Sleep matters more than motivation. Stress management matters more than intention. Environment matters more than guilt. That day showed you your breaking point, not your worth. One thing I want you to shift Right now, you’re thinking: “I failed, so everything I did before is meaningless. “That’s not true. They prove something very important. You are capable of change. Even if right now you’re stuck at 4 days, that doesn’t erase the 14. It shows your range.
About your anger, toward family, toward everything. That anger you feel when people lecture you. That’s not because you’re bad. It’s because: they don’t understand your internal struggle. You feel judged instead of supported. You already feel guilty, so advice feels like pressure. That reaction is human. Don’t try to jump back to 14 days immediately. That’s too much pressure. Start smaller, aim for 3–5 days consistently. Focus on reducing triggers and improving sleep. Keep your prayers, even if you feel nothing. Stop interpreting every setback as a sign that Allah has abandoned you. That interpretation is hurting you more than the addiction itself. Night-time is your biggest danger zone.
This is where most relapses happen. Not because you’re weak but because you’re tired, you’re alone. Your brain wants comfort. Stay around family if possible. When going to bed, don’t take your phone into bed. If you can’t remove it completely, at least keep it away from your hand reach. If urge starts in bed. Sit up immediately. Leave the bed if needed. Drink water or go to bathroom or walk a bit. Try to distract.
That moment with your mom didn’t just annoy you. It hurt you deeply. You felt not understood, not prioritized, maybe not valued as a person. And when that feeling stayed inside you it added pressure which later came out as relapse. So here’s what you do differently next time. When something hurts you emotionally. Don’t ignore it. Don’t suppress it. Name it clearly in your head. “That hurt me.” “I feel upset about what she said. “Then release it in a healthy way. Write it down or talk to someone (if possible) or even say it in dua honestly. About your mom, I’ll be honest. What she said hurt you, yes. But it doesn’t necessarily mean she values image more than you. Sometimes parents speak without realizing impact, worry about social perception, express concern in the wrong way. But your pain is still valid. For now, instead of trying to “fix” her. Work on protecting your emotional state. That means: don’t overthink one comment. Don’t build a full conclusion about your worth from it. Because that thought: “She cares more about image than me “is what actually hurt you the most.
Right now, porn is acting as your stress release. If you remove it without replacing it your brain will go back to it, so try to walk alone, light exercise, even just sitting quietly without your phone or doing something repetitive like cleaning, organizing etc. Faith is not proven by how you feel in your lowest moment. Some of the strongest people go through periods where they feel nothing. What matters is, You still turned to Allah. You still asked. You still care. That’s not someone abandoned. You’re not starting from zero. You are someone who reached 14 days, prays, reflects deeply, wants to change.
That’s not a lost person. That’s someone in the middle of a fight. Don’t try to jump back to 14 days immediately. That’s too much pressure. Start smaller. Aim for 3–5 days consistently. Focus on reducing triggers , improving sleep ,keep your prayers, even if you feel nothing. And most importantly stop interpreting every setback as a sign that Allah has abandoned you. That interpretation is hurting you more than the addiction itself. If you give up now, what are you actually choosing? More of the same pain but without hope. You’re tired, not finished. There’s a difference. So don’t lose hope in the mercy of Allah.
Everything will be alright soon. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/04/01/masturbating-addiction-part-2/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/03/09/masturbating-addiction/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/12/27/my-life-is-in-absolute-shambles/
Note from Admin: If you would like us to help you find a Muslim therapist/counselor in your area, please complete the Contact Us form at the footer of the website.
Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
