parents don’t want me to get married till i’m older
I’m 18 and wanna get married, but my parents seem against it cos of my age or maybe cos I don’t have a degree. But isn’t it wrong for parents to prevent their children from marriage for reasons like that? I’m a girl, so it’s not like I need an income, and I can study after marriage. If they want me to have a bachelor’s to be married, I plan to get higher levels of degree. So the plan is to study after marriage either way. I’ve heard in situations like this, the child can get a religious figure to figure things out with their parents, but I haven’t received any proposals that I can accuse my parents of unjustly rejecting proposals. The plan is more for them to agree with my wish to get married and then look for someone for me, cos at this age, I’m not going to get proposals due to culture and stuff. People these days believe you’re a kid until you’re, like, 24. So in this situation I really dk what to do. had I received a good proposal and my parents said no, it would be easy to just say this is unfair and tell the islamic authorities, but because in this situation, I kind of need to initiate (to get my parents to look for people), it’s different. How can I approach my parents about this and make it clear that I really am serious about this? The latest I wanna get married is in next AD year. But it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen. I just don’t know how to sit them down and say, listen, I truly want to get married, and Islamically I can, because I’m already an adult. I don’t know. I feel like my parents just imagine that I’m immature cos I’m their kid and I wasn’t necessarily so great until a few years ago (I really changed when I was like 16, but even then, my parents probably don’t see it, because part of my change was to withdraw from a lot of things at school (like basically any events, I go to attend my lessons and that’s it, not to go to ‘fun’ events where there’s free-mixing and music) and try to confront the school’s authorities about stuff *for religious reasons* but my parents see it as like teenage rebellion or something, just because, for example, I skip PE – *to avoid having to wear trousers in front of boys or being in awkward physical positions in front of them*… but my family thinks loose trousers are fine and think i’m extreme – or I say things pretty openly occasionally and get into trouble (the school actually hates Muslims, that’s why)), and maybe they don’t want me married at 18 if my elder siblings are nowhere near ready and my cousins haven’t found anyone either (the idea of me being first to get married seems stigmatised)
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum Sister,
I can understand why this feels frustrating and confusing for you sister. Wanting to get married for the right reasons especially to protect your faith and build a halal life is something meaningful, and it makes sense that you’d want your parents to take that seriously. At the same time, it also seems like your parents might be seeing things from a different perspective. They may not necessarily be against marriage itself, but more concerned about your readiness, your education, or how things might work long-term. Sometimes parents struggle to see the changes we’ve made, especially if those changes are recent or different from what they expected.
You’re in a bit of a difficult position because there isn’t a specific proposal being rejected so it’s less about something clearly “unfair” and more about building their confidence in you. That can take time, even if you feel ready now. Maybe instead of approaching it as “I want to get married soon,” it could help to start with a calmer conversation about your intentions why marriage matters to you, and how you see your education and responsibilities continuing alongside it. You could also ask them what would help them feel more comfortable or confident in you being ready. That way, it becomes a shared discussion rather than a disagreement.
It might not happen as quickly as you hope, and that can be really hard. But if you stay consistent, patient, and open in your communication, there’s a better chance they’ll begin to see your sincerity over time.You’re not wrong for wanting this but it may take some time to bring your parents to a place where they feel at ease with it too.
In Islam, once you’re an adult, marriage is your right. Parents aren’t supposed to block marriage for superficial or unjust reasons (like status or culture alone). At the same time, they’re not just obstacles they’re meant to protect your long-term wellbeing. So the real question becomes:
Are they refusing unfairly, or are they concerned about readiness (emotional, practical, educational)? From what you described, it sounds less like they’re rejecting a proposal and more like they’re not convinced you’re ready yet. You said: “I’m a girl, so it’s not like I need an income. “That idea can actually work against you in this conversation. Marriage isn’t just about financial provision. It involves: emotional maturity, conflict handling, independence in decision-making, understanding responsibilities in a household choosing the right spouse which is a major life decision. Your parents might hear statements like that and think, She’s still thinking simply, she may not fully understand what marriage involves. That doesn’t mean you’re immature it means you need to show depth in your thinking, not just desire. Their concerns could include your age and life experience. Your recent behavioral changes. They may not fully understand your religious motivations. Education stability, Social or cultural pressure being the first to marry early. Fear of you rushing into something permanent. Even if you disagree, understanding their lens will help you communicate better.
How to approach them with is the real answer. Don’t go in with saying Islam allows it, so you should agree. That can make them defensive. Instead, try something like saying calmly and respectfully. Focus on your intentions and responsibility, not just rights.
Show that you’ve thought this through deeply. You could say something like I’ve been thinking seriously about my future, and marriage is something I genuinely want but because I value stability, faith, and building a family in a Halal way. I’m not asking to rush into anything, but I would like your support in starting to explore it gradually. I also plan to continue my education, and I’m willing to discuss how that would work. This shows your maturity.
Don’t aim for marriage next year, aim for progress. Right now, focusing on a deadline like “next year” may actually hurt your case. Get your parents to take you seriously first. Then gradually move towards openness to proposals, discussions about what kind of spouse, agreement on education , marriage balance etc…
You can involve an imam or respected elder but not as a first step.If you bring someone in too early, your parents may feel disrespected or pressured.Use that option only if discussions completely fail, and even then, choose someone your parents trust.
Your commitment to your religion is clear but some of the situations you mentioned like conflict with school, strong reactions, etc. may be part of why your parents hesitate. From their perspective, they might wonder, will she be able to navigate marriage calmly? Will she handle differences with a spouse or in-laws? So part of strengthening your case is showing calmness. Showing flexibility where appropriate. Showing you can handle disagreement wisely. Your desire for marriage is valid. Your parents’ hesitation is not automatically wrong. The solution isn’t proving them wrong it’s helping them feel confident in you.
It might not happen as quickly as you hope, and that can be really hard. But if you stay consistent, patient, and open in your communication, there’s a better chance they’ll begin to see your sincerity over time. You’re not wrong for wanting this but it may take some time to bring your parents to a place where they feel at ease with it too. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/romanticrelationships/
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