I’m all over the place but no where at all
I don’t even know where to start, haha! It’s not important, but it would be nice to share something with someone. I’m almost 17, and more days than not, I have felt so hopeless. I’m the oldest daughter, and so I guess naturally feel a lot more pressure. I’m a first gen, so I’m born to immigrant parents but in a western country, and it’s both a blessing and a hardship. More often than not, I always feel estranged being a Muslim here, where I don’t quite fit in both in my original culture and the culture I’m living in. I always feel so sad because although Alhamdulillah, people have been nice to me, there will always be this divide and alienation. I think the biggest reason for my sadness and guilt is school. I am aware I am veryyy privileged, so I feel so guilty for complaining, as I live a good life and I’m raised in a practicing Muslim household (Alhamdulillah) and my parents are amazing, but my biggest problem is myself. I have big dreams, but I’m always doubting myself and feel like I’m not good enough. I try so hard to be a top student, and for many years I was, but now I’m struggling more than ever. Ppl tell me it’s not a big deal and it’s just a grade, but it’s my whole identity! Getting a B is an equivalent of me failing, and I know it’s dumb and stupid and a privileged ‘problem’ to have, but to me it’s life or death. My parents work their blood for me and my siblings to have a good life and education at private school, and they have such big dreams for me and think I have so much potential, and I see the light in their eyes every time they imagine me achieving the dream I really want, and so now to be struggling at the one thing I’m supposed to be good at (school), it’s like I’ve betrayed them. I’m always crying and feeling so guilty because my parents are struggling so much. My dad works 12 hour night shifts almost every night, and he’s getting older and his legs hurt just so he can get money for us, and he’s practically given up on his own educational dreams. And my mum too. She has given up the chance to be a dentist and is instead investing in me. So every time I don’t do well (which is more times than not), the amount of guilt I feel every day absolutely kills me. Last week, I literally could not get myself to go to school at all, and now I’m conflicted with both my mental health but also I know I have to go because of how expensive it is. I feel so useless and dumb, and I don’t want to stress my parents out more than I should. Idk what to do anymore. I have no more motivation. I cry myself to sleep every night, and I feel so tired and unfulfilled and upset and guilty . Every single day the only thing I feel is guilt for my parents. I love them so much, and I wish I can be the star daughter they can deserve. I keep making Dua over and over again, even in my Salah. During taraweeh in Ramadan, I was just crying and begging to Allah to be successful for my parent’s sake. I’m also very empathetic and emotional and sensitive, which is something I hate. I’m always terrified of being taken advantage of or made fun of, and I can’t imagine a future where I can ever fully trust or rely on anyone. I wish I wasn’t like this. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. If I was a boy, i wouldn’t be so emotional and would probably make my parents much prouder. I know they love me so much, and they’re so supportive and kind to me, but I’m stubborn, and I will refuse to accept myself or like myself if I don’t achieve what I want. I’m sorry for the rant, but I guess I really really want to be heard 🙁 the only think that’s keeping me sane is my faith. Alhamdulillah for Islam, because without it, I don’t know what would happen to me. Maybe I’m just extra emotional right now cause of my hormones haha! Anyways, I guess what I really want is some advice. What do you think I should do? How can I stop stressing so much and get my motivation back? Thank u so much for being here 🙂
Thank you for submitting your post to Stones to Bridges! We pray you will find the responses below beneficial. If you find these responses helpful, we’d love for you to share what you appreciated and how you feel it might help you moving forward in the comments section below!
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaykumussalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu, dear sister!!
First, I want you to know that you don’t need to apologize for sharing your heart. Your feelings matter….From what you’ve written, I don’t see a lazy or ungrateful girl. I see a daughter who loves her parents so deeply that she carries their sacrifices on her own shoulders every single day. That kind of love is beautiful but it has become so heavy that it is crushing you.
Your parents invested in you because they love you not because they wanted to buy perfect grades. If your father stands for 12 hours with aching legs, do you really think his greatest dream is an A on a report card? Or is it seeing his daughter healthy, smiling, praying, and becoming a good Muslim who lives a meaningful life? Parents make sacrifices because they love their children. They do not want those sacrifices to become chains around their children’s hearts.
Sister, you’ve tied your identity to being “the smart one.” That means every grade feels like a judgment on your worth as a person. But Allah never taught us that. He taught us:
“Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you.”
إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ
(Qur’an 49:13)
Notice He didn’t say the highest grades, the most successful career, or the most accomplished child. He said TAQWA. One sentence you wrote stayed with me: “I will refuse to accept myself or like myself if I don’t achieve what I want.” That sentence broke my heart. Because Allah never asked you to earn the right to love yourself. He created you with honour before you ever took an exam, before you received an A or a B, before anyone praised you. Allah says:
“We have certainly honoured the children of Adam.”
وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِي آدَمَ
(Qur’an 17:70)
Your honour came from Allah not from a report card. Sometimes Shaytan doesn’t tell practicing Muslims to stop praying. Instead, he whispers something more subtle: You’re only valuable if you’re perfect. That whisper keeps a person in constant fear, guilt, and exhaustion. But Allah is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem. He knows your effort, your tears, and even the thoughts you never tell anyone.
That doesn’t mean education isn’t important, it absolutely is. Islam encourages excellence. But excellence is different from perfection. You also mentioned feeling caught between two cultures. Many children of immigrant families feel this way. You are not alone. You may not fully fit into either world, but Allah knows exactly where you belong. Your identity is first and foremost as a Muslim. The Prophet (SAW) said:
“Allah does not look at your appearance or your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.” (Sahih Muslim)
Notice that Allah looks at your heart and from what you’ve shared, your heart is full of sincerity. You love your parents, you love your deen, you make du’a in sujood, you cry in Taraweeh asking Allah to help you. Those tears are not wasted. Every tear you have shed because you fear disappointing Allah or because you desperately want to honour your parents is known to Him. Never think Allah is unaware. Success is not always immediate Remember the story of Prophet Yusuf (AS). He was thrown into a well, sold as a slave, separated from his father for years. Wrongfully imprisoned. If success were measured only by what people saw at the moment, his life would have looked like failure after failure. Yet Allah was preparing him for something far greater. Sometimes Allah delays something because He is building the person who will carry it. Perhaps your struggle with school is teaching you humility, patience, reliance on Allah, and resilience qualities that no textbook can give.
You said you couldn’t get yourself to go to school and that you’ve been crying yourself to sleep almost every night. That isn’t simply being emotional. Those can be signs that you’re emotionally exhausted or struggling with anxiety or depression. There is no shame in talking to someone you trust a parent, a school counsellor, or another trusted adult. Seeking help is not a weakness. The Prophet ( SAW) taught us to seek treatment for our illnesses, and that includes our emotional struggles. And please don’t believe this lie: “If I were a boy, my parents would be prouder. “No, dear sister. Some of the greatest people in Islam were women.
Think of Maryam (RA) , the only woman mentioned by name repeatedly in the Qur’an. Think of Khadija ( RA) whose support strengthened the Prophet ( SAW). Think of Aisha (RA) who became one of the greatest scholars in Islamic history. Allah honoured them because of their faith not because they were men.
My advice to you is simple: Keep praying, but don’t make every du’a only about grades. Ask Allah for peace, strength, and contentment. Aim for excellence, not perfection. Tell your parents how you’ve been feeling. From the way you describe them, they sound like people who would rather comfort you than watch you suffer in silence. If you’ve been crying every night, losing motivation, and struggling to attend school, please speak with a trusted adult or school counsellor. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Dear sister, you already sound like someone who loves Allah, honours your parents, and wants to do good. Those are qualities many people spend a lifetime trying to develop. Please don’t carry tomorrow’s worries before tomorrow arrives. You’re only 17. You do not need to have your entire future figured out today. Many doctors, engineers, teachers, scholars, and successful Muslims struggled in high school. Many thought they had failed. Many took longer than expected. Yet Allah still opened doors for them. If Allah has written something for you, no imperfect grade can stop it. And if Allah has not written something for you, no perfect grade can force it.
What is written for you will reach you, and what misses you was never meant for you. May Allah make your heart tranquil, bless your parents for every sacrifice they have made, grant you beneficial knowledge, place barakah in your studies, remove your anxiety and guilt, and make you successful in this world and the next. Ameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful:https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/schoolworkissues/
Note from Admin: If you would like us to help you find a Muslim therapist/counselor in your area, please complete the Contact Us form at the footer of the website.
Disclaimer: If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as a replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.
