I’m depressed and stuck

Dear sister, I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much at once. You have been through serious illness, changes to your appearance and health, an emotionally difficult home environment, financial pressure, career uncertainty, and constant comparison from people around you. It makes sense that you feel exhausted. None of this means that you have failed at life.


Please remember that your life is not behind simply because it does not look the way you imagined at 27. Allah does not measure your worth by your marital status, your job title, whether you have entered specialty training, or how quickly your life has progressed compared with other people. You have been through illness, family difficulties, financial stress and disappointment. These things can exhaust a person emotionally and physically. Being exhausted does not mean that your Iman is weak.


Allah says:
“Indeed, with hardship comes ease. Indeed, with hardship comes ease.”
(Qur’an 94:5–6)


Sometimes we hear these verses and feel that we should immediately become strong and patient. But sabr does not mean pretending that you are not hurting. It means continuing to turn towards Allah while you are hurting. Please don’t think that because you currently don’t feel like praying, Allah has abandoned you. Turn back to Him even with very little strength. You don’t need beautiful words. You can simply say: “Allah, I am exhausted. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.”

Say: “Hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel.” Allah is sufficient for me, and He is the best disposer of affairs. You can also make du’a for your future without knowing exactly what that future will look like.


Please don’t allow other people’s pressure to convince you that marriage is the solution to your suffering. Marriage is not a religious race. You are not sinful because you are 27 and unmarried. You are not incomplete because you haven’t found a husband. And you do not have to accept a proposal simply because people are worried about your age. It is completely reasonable to ask Allah for a righteous spouse while also asking Him to protect you from an unsuitable marriage. You can say: “Ya Allah, if marriage is good for my dunya and akhirah, grant me a righteous spouse who will be a source of tranquility and goodness. If it is not good for me at this time, protect me and guide me towards what is better.” You have seen difficult marriages, so it is understandable that you are afraid. But someone else’s bad marriage is not a prophecy about yours. You don’t know what Allah has written for you. But please don’t confuse a delayed life with a ruined life.


Allah’s timing is not a punishment. We often imagine that if Allah loves us, everything should happen according to our plans. But the Qur’an teaches us:
“Perhaps you dislike something and it is good for you, and perhaps you love something and it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”
Qur’an 2:216


That doesn’t mean every painful thing is secretly wonderful. Some things really are painful. It means we don’t have enough knowledge to determine what our entire story means from one chapter. You may not understand today why your illness happened, why training was delayed, why certain proposals failed, or why your family situation became so difficult. You don’t have to understand it all today.


Sister please don’t conclude that your medical career is over because your path was interrupted. Sometimes Allah’s decree takes us through a road we would never have chosen ourselves. That does not necessarily mean the dream has been taken away. Perhaps the route will change. Perhaps there will be a delay. Perhaps another opportunity will eventually open. Your responsibility is not to know the ending. Your responsibility is to take the next reasonable step. Tawakkul is not giving up. You can make du’a, seek treatment, work toward your career, save money, apply for training, seek advice and make plans and then leave the outcome to Allah. Even if your path into specialty training takes longer than expected, the years you spent studying medicine were not meaningless. The knowledge you gained, the patients you may have helped, the discipline you developed and even the hardships you experienced can become part of what Allah uses later.


Sometimes Allah takes us through a long route because the destination isn’t the only thing being prepared. The person is being prepared too. Don’t assume that a closed door means “never”. Sometimes a door closes because it is not meant for us. Sometimes it closes temporarily. Sometimes we need to knock on a different door. And sometimes we have to build another door ourselves. Your job right now is not to predict which one it is. Your job is to keep taking reasonable steps.


Islam encourages kindness to parents, but kindness does not mean allowing yourself to be psychologically destroyed. You can have compassion for your mother’s illness while still recognizing that threatening, manipulating, frightening or emotionally hurting you is harmful. You are allowed to establish appropriate boundaries while maintaining as much respect as reasonably possible. You don’t have to carry responsibility for fixing your mother’s mental health by yourself. And please don’t allow relatives’ accusations, comparisons or comments to become the voice inside your own head. People do not know the entirety of your test, and they are not the ones who will answer for your life before Allah. And please take this part seriously ?When you say “I wish I were dead,” please don’t carry that thought alone.Seeking professional help is not a lack of Tawakkul. The Prophet  (SAW)encouraged people to seek treatment, and taking practical means to protect yourself is part of relying upon Allah.Please tell your therapist exactly what you told us. If you begin feeling that you might harm yourself, seek emergency help immediately and stay with someone trustworthy rather than remaining alone sister. 


Your life is an Amanah sister. Even if you cannot currently see its purpose, Allah has not finished writing your story.You don’t need to solve marriage, specialty training, your family situation and your entire future this week.Stay safe. Eat something. Rest. Make one small du’a. Speak to someone trustworthy. And take tomorrow one step at a time. 


Allah says:
“Do not despair of the mercy of Allah.”
(Qur’an 39:53)


Your present circumstances are not the measure of your value, and your current pain is not proof that your future will be painful. Don’t interpret your hardship as Allah rejecting you. A difficult season is not proof that Allah is angry with you or that you have been forgotten. The Prophets themselves experienced illness, grief, loneliness, rejection and periods when their circumstances seemed impossible. Ayyub ( AS) suffered prolonged illness, yet he turned to Allah and said: “Indeed, adversity has touched me, and You are the Most Merciful of the merciful.”(Qur’an 21:83) Notice that he did not pretend everything was fine. He told Allah about his suffering. Make this Dua: 



رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
“Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqir.”
My Lord, indeed I am in desperate need of whatever good You send me.
(Qur’an 28:24)


Please don’t allow fear of marriage to consume your entire future. Ask Allah for a husband with deen and character, not simply someone who identifies as Muslim. The Prophet ( SAW) emphasized religion and character when considering marriage. You are allowed to have standards. You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to consider compatibility, emotional maturity, respect, your career, relocation and how a potential husband views a wife’s education and ambitions. And if a proposal doesn’t feel right, rejecting it is not rejecting Allah’s decree. Your worth doesn’t decrease because nobody has done so yet. You are already a servant of Allah. That is an honor in itself Sister. 


May Allah protect you from harm, heal what has been broken inside you, give you a peaceful home and righteous companionship if marriage is good for you, reopen the doors of your career, and give you a future that brings you closer to Him rather than further away.  Ameen!!


Warm regards,
 
From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”