Torn In Two
Assalaamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. I thank you in advance for your response and your time.
I do not know what to do or how to communicate to my husband in a way that he will understand me. My relationship with my husband and my own family is breaking down.
I am a 25yo female and my husband is also 25yo. I moved away far from my parents after marriage for school purposes. When I became pregnant, my husband wanted to visit his parents back in our home country and so he left while I stayed behind by myself, all alone in our apartment. He had not even told his parents that I was pregnant and staying alone in a house for a month. I feel as though if they had been told this, they would have told my husband to stay with me and not worry about visiting them when his wife is pregnant and away from her family.
Closer to my birth, my husband wanted us to move to live with my parents so they could help me and I could have the necessary support postpartum (since he is often gone for weeks on end for his work).
Now, my sister, whose husband is back in his home country and cannot come due to documentation, is also pregnant and is expecting to give birth around Eid. She is living with us due to her circumstances.
However, prior to finding out the news, my husband had decided that he wanted to visit his parents during Ramadan and be there with them for Eid and take us (me and our son) with him. The last time he visited his parents was summer of 2025.
I asked him if we could either go earlier or postpone it because I wanted to be there for my sister and help support her as she came to support me during my pregnancy/birth. My husband says that the only reason my younger sisters came were because of convenience as it was winter break for them. They would not have come otherwise, according to him. I tried explaining that it does not matter, I am not going to be petty or go tit-for-tat because they are my family and I want to be there for them. I also told him that I am not avoiding going and visiting his parents in our home country, it’s just that I want to stay to be by my sister’s side because 1) she was there for me when I needed support the most, 2) I will feel guilty leaving her behind at a time like this, 3) her husband cannot be with her, 4) my mother has health issues and too much stress will only make her worse, 5) my other sisters cannot come because of school/work.
He says that he feels as though I am distancing him from his family and that I don’t want him to visit his parents. In fact, I feel like he is doing that to me because he says I do not need to be present for my sister’s labor, and that I am preventing our son from meeting his grandparents.
If I tell him that he can go visit his parents himself this time as well, that I will stay behind, he says that if that is the case, then he will just go to our home country by himself from now on since it is easier and cheaper. He says that if he had known I would “refuse to go and back out last minute”, then he would have planned to visit our country much earlier instead of waiting and working to make more money.
He also wants to spend 2 months there, and when I told him he went for a month last time, and that if we went for a month and came back (maybe during Jan), then we could kill two birds with one stone : we would go to our home country, see his parents (i got married here in the US, so I have never met his parents in person), and also be here for my sister’s birth. But he gets angry and says that my family situation is limiting him from being with his parents for a longer time, that even 2 months out of a year is a short time to be with his parents.
I am not sure if him being the youngest in his family affects his opinions and decisions, but it feels like we are on totally opposite ends and unable to come to the middle.
Should we involve a third party? Who would it be? I doubt he would listen to a stranger’s opinion regarding his family, since he gets defensive and angry whenever I bring up the topic of marriage counselors or local imams we could talk to.
I am not sure how his family would react if they found out that I had left my sister alone while she gave birth to visit our home country (that is not really a priority), but it would probably not be a positive reaction.
However, my parents are furious hearing this. I have not told them that my husband is refusing to compromise. But they are trying to pressure me and guilt trip me into staying, quoting religious scriptures about how obeying one’s husband but hurting parents’ feelings will not get you into Jannah. They are accusing me of being heartless and not caring about my sister, that I have changed after getting married, etc., and that I only listen to my husband and do whatever he says, which they see as a bad thing and get angry about it, especially if it does not align with their values or opinions.
I feel so torn, lost, hopeless and alone. On the one hand, my relationship with my family is affecting my marriage and my relationship with my husband. On the other hand, my marital problems and decisions is impacting my relationship with my own family. If I stay, my parents will think their guilt tripping and pressure works and it will feel like I gave them control over my marriage, but if I go, I will feel guilty and my parents and my sister will definitely get hurt and upset. My parents might even curse me out for not listening to them.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Waalaikumussalaam warahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, my dear Sister.
You sound deeply torn because you love your husband, your parents, and your sister, and you are trying to make everyone happy. Please remember, you are not a bad wife or daughter simply because you cannot satisfy everyone at the same time. You are carrying a very heavy burden, and I think part of your confusion comes from feeling that Islam requires you to choose between your husband and your family. It is important to separate Islamic obligations from the expectations and emotions of family members.
Your husband’s desire to see his parents, especially during Ramadan and Eid, is understandable. Islam places great importance on maintaining one’s parents. At the same time, marriage does not mean that you have to abandon your own family or that your husband’s family automatically takes priority in every situation. Your sister is pregnant, her husband cannot be with her, and she supported you during your pregnancy. Wanting to be there for her is also understandable and compassionate. This doesn’t have to become a competition between his parents and your sister.
Instead of asking, Whose family should come first?, try asking: What solution allows both of us to maintain our family relationships while also considering our responsibilities to each other? Islam gives parents tremendous rights. Your husband should maintain his relationship with his parents, visit them when reasonably possible, and treat them with kindness. But his responsibility toward his parents does not mean that his wife has no legitimate needs or family responsibilities of her own. Marriage does not erase your relationship with your parents, siblings, or relatives. You are still encouraged to maintain your ties of kinship.
Wanting to support your sister is not inherently disobedience to your husband. It is a compassionate family responsibility and an act of maintaining kinship. However, I would avoid making the argument: “My sister comes before your parents. “That will almost certainly turn this into a competition. Perhaps the trip can be shortened, moved earlier or later, or arranged differently. A genuine compromise may not make either person completely happy, but both people should feel that their concerns were taken seriously. I would also gently caution you about allowing your parents’ guilt or your husband’s anger to make the decision for you. Your parents can advise you, and your husband has legitimate rights and concerns, but ultimately you are accountable to Allah for your own choices. You don’t need to stay simply because your parents pressure you, and you don’t need to go simply because your husband becomes angry.
And yes, I think involving a neutral third party is a very good idea.”If you fear a breach between them, appoint one mediator from his family and one mediator from hers.” Qur’an 4:35 It specifically gives us the principle of involving representatives from both families when a marriage is experiencing serious conflict. Ideally, choose people who are genuinely fair and won’t automatically take either person’s side , a trustworthy Imam, qualified Muslim marriage counselor, or two mature family representatives. If your husband refuses counseling, you can still seek counseling yourself to gain clarity and learn how to communicate without being pulled between both families. Most importantly, try not to frame this as choosing my husband over my family or choosing my family over my husband.
You are trying to build a marriage in which both spouses can love and maintain their families without making the other spouse feel abandoned.Make Istikhārah, seek wise counsel, communicate calmly, and then make the decision you sincerely believe is most just before Allah.Your husband is therefore not simply someone who gives instructions while you obey. He is your spouse, and the two of you are supposed to deal with one another according to ma’ruf what is good, reasonable and honorable.
Allah also says:
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
“Live with them in kindness.”
Qur’an 4:19
So when there is a conflict between spouses, the question should not merely be: “Who has authority? “It should also be: “What would kindness, fairness and consideration require from both of us?”Your marriage should ultimately be a place of sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah not a permanent contest over whose family has greater importance. Please don’t make this decision based solely on who will become angry with you. If you stay, your husband may feel hurt. If you go, your parents and sister may feel hurt. There may be no solution where everyone is completely satisfied.
Your responsibility is to sincerely seek what is just, reasonable and pleasing to Allah, while trying to minimize harm and preserve both family relationships.
Make Istikhārah. Talk to your husband when neither of you is angry. Discuss concrete options rather than arguing about whose family matters more.
And remember healthy marriage should not require either spouse to abandon the people they love. It should teach both spouses how to make room for each other’s families while still protecting their marriage.
You can do this Dua:
اللهم ألّف بين قلوبنا، وأصلح ذات بيننا، واهدنا سبل السلام
“O Allah, unite our hearts, reconcile our relationships, and guide us to the paths of peace.”
رَبِّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.”
Qur’an 25:74
May Allah guide you to the decision that brings the most khayr, soften your husband’s heart and yours, protect your sister and her baby, and bring peace between both families. May Allah put tranquility between your hearts, protect your marriage, make things easy for your sister, and guide your entire family towards what is best. Aameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful:https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/maritalconflict/
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