Really struggling with Salat and wudu, think i have ocd.
Salam. so I’m a 19 year old girl and am in my first year of university. I haven’t prayed consistently since I was about 16 or 17 years.old and I am shamed. When I was around 16 ish I somehow developed ocd like symptoms regarding wudu. I would constantly repeat it over and over thinking that I had broke it or did something wrong. It got to a point that i was tensing up because I was worried i would break wind and break wudu, and then eventually because I kept tensimg up I ended up breaking my Wudu constantly. I was also paranoid about touching something impure in the bathroom when leaving after making wudu. These carries on for the last year’s and as a result I haven’t prayed in sonlong. I tried to last ramadan, and ended up not praying for the rest of ramadan. I went to a doctor but they didn’t do much. When I pray I have so many thoughts, I’m making mistakes in recitation etc and because I haven’t prayed in so long I have kind of forgotten how-to and what to say. I’m so embarrassed and guilty I just way to pray my Salah again. I feel like a hypocrite. I am thinking of trying baby steps, e.g. Praying the fajr of each day but I will most likely not get up in time. should I just pray it anyway? Just to try and get started?
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
You mentioned that you have seen a doctor for this issue but it was unhelpful. I am wondering what type of doctor you visited. I would suggest seeking a mental health professional (therapist, counselor or psychiatrist) who specializes in OCD. I also believe issues like these aren’t going to go away with a magical pill and that medication is only part of the treatment. Addressing your struggles spiritually along with therapy may be helpful as well. I want to preface everything I say with that fact that I am not an Islamic scholar but have had my response checked by scholars to make sure my thoughts align with Islamic scholarship.
OCD is a disorder on the anxiety spectrum meaning the uncontrollable, behaviors, thoughts and rituals manifested in a person with OCD can be attempts to control some level of anxiety. It is not something that will completely go away, but with the right combination of treatments including therapy, challenging your obsessive thoughts, lifestyle changes, relaxation and stress management, your symptoms can be much more manageable. Please see the link to an excellent article for more details on this:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/obssessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd.htm
From an Islamic-mental health perspective, I would encourage you to challenge your thoughts by asking yourself is this thought bringing me closer to Allah or is this thought bringing me further away from Allah? If the thoughts are moving you away from Allah we are told that these thoughts can come from the whispers of shaytan. Also remined yourself that Allah does not expect us to be perfect. If we were perfect than there would be no need for some of His greatest attributes: Ar-Rahman (The Merciful) and Ar-Raheem (The Compassionate). Why are we expected to start every action with Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem? Not only to remember Him and to keep our intentions clear, but to also remind us of His compassion and mercy. Not only does Allah NOT expect us to be perfect but He expects us to be forgetful and falter! The Arabic word for human is ‘insan’ which is derived from the word nasiya which means to forget.
So before making wudu, take deep breath until you are relaxed (or engage in any other relaxing activity), remind yourself of His mercy and compassion and tell yourself any mistakes I make will be forgiven. And attribute the worries, fears and need for perfection to the pull of shaytan to steer you away from the worship of Allah. Also remember an imperfect act of worship is infinitely better than not worshipping at all.
Our approach to the worship of Allah needs to be balanced like that of the two wings of a bird; where the left wing should be fear and the right wing hope. When these two wings are balanced the believer will soar. It seems right now your wing of fear of making mistakes is much greater than then wing of hope for His mercy. This fear is keeping you stuck in the inability to worship the way you want to. Therefore, focus on the hope in His mercy and forgiveness as much as you can until you feel balanced again and can push forward. If this is difficult on your own, as mentioned above, therapy, medication, life style changes, and relaxation techniques can help inshaAllah. I pray that Allah reminds us all of His hope and mercy, that He frees you from worry and fear, and make it easy for us to worship Him. Ameen. We are not the ones who are perfect nor will we ever be, but He is.
Sincerely
Your Sister in Islam,“Fatima AH”
