Seeing Bars to Seeing the Sky

Dear Fatima,

Have you ever experienced the feeling of driving passenger in your own life and watching it go by like lights while driving on the highway. Well, thats how I feel every day to constantly replaying the worst times of my life and always wondering what and why did I go down that path. Over the year I have come to a resolution that it was written for me and it was supposed to ( well it actually did) teach me the biggest lesson in life. That if nobody got you Allah swt does and that pain and suffering were meant to make me a better person. I was 18-19 yrs old I believe when I got involved in the street life. I start off selling weed then moved on to different drugs. I did use to smoke marijuana just to keep my mind from wandering from the emotions I continued to push deep down into me. I honestly didn’t think anything was going wrong. I had people around me that I thought were friends maybe even treated like family. And don’t get me started on the amount of times I went to jail. The sad part is going to jail didn’t stop me. I then got my last case here in the state I reside. I listened to the greed and stubbornness in my head to just forget it and try to do the drug business in my state. Welp that was the worst decision I made. I ended up going to jail and after that was court dates and court dates. Me thinking everything was fine and it was my first ever real charge that it would just go away. Well, I thought wrong. I went to my sentencing date and the judge ended up sentencing me to 300 days in women’s state prison. When I tell you the treatment and the type of way you get treated there is so unreal that my brain has locked me out of those memories. The only one I can remember and tell you is when I was in county waiting for me to get transported to prison I was in an individual cell for almost 22 hours of the day only out for 1 hour at a time. It gives me chills thinking about it. But I ended up going to my sentencing date because I wanted to move on with my life and not have a shadow of my past following me, so I did what I had to do and dealt with my actions.

You’re probably how did you end up in this type of lifestyle or life. Honestly, after some therapy and getting back to the deen, I have realized that my turning to friends that were foes and safe place to drugs, were me not being able to express myself in a way to understand that doing and feeling the ways I felt were normal instead of people thinking I am crazy or just over the top extra with my personality. After getting out in 2021 I decided I won’t let my past self and actions define who I am going to become and how to move on with my life. I reevaluated my friend group and got back involved with the masjid. and I grew up in a household, where my parents were refugees and they made it out of famine and low resources, and extremism. They have built everything that they wanted from sweat and tears of their hard work. Now they own a restaurant, halal, and other businesses. But when it came to their kids it was all tough love. Not hearing your parents tell you I love you or good job, regardless of what progress you’re doing even if it’s small. It’s hard especially growing up and being a little girl. I wanted the type of love from my parents that was unconditional. But they made it seem like if I didn’t work up to their expectation I was flawed or something was messed up about me. But over the years they have grown and are/have made enormous progress for both them and all my siblings. We are learning to grow and heal the pains not just put a bandage and form a healthy loving family.

I now work for a non-profit and take care of a disabled older and attending University. There are smaller obstacles I have yet to hit, Insha Allah kahir though, I put my trust in Him, so what happens let it be if it’s out of my control.

Sincerely,
Loving Sister LL

Response from “Fatima Counselor”:

Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges: