Marriage phobia due to CPTSD
I am struggling with CPTSD due to childhood emotional neglect and sexual abuse. It remained repressed for my adulthood and I recovered my memories only a few years back. My whole world has turned upside down. Before diagnosis, I had a career path in my mind and hoped to eventually get married some day. But after realizing about the impact of trauma, I feel lost. ALHAMDULILAH I do feel that my connection with ALLAH has improved since diagnosis. But I am unable to make any choice regarding my career as everything seems overwhelming. I have previously consulted psychologist for 3 years but stopped going there when she started to invalidate my trauma. I am trying to learn from other resources as much as I can. But my parents expect me to get married by now as all my peers are getting married. I am too scared of male and I automatically start to shiver in presence of any non-Mehram. It is like a fear response is activated and I can’t stop myself which is humiliating for me. Moreover, I have Tokophobia as well which just makes things worse for me.
Response from a “Fatima counselor”:
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
How difficult it must have been to endure invalidation by a mental health professional you trusted. I would not lose hope in all mental health professionals, however. Half the battle is finding a therapist who is a right fit. In your case, preferably a therapist who has expertise in complex trauma. You may find some respite in reading (see: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm) but true healing will only come from effective trauma treatment. It’s almost like reading about how to ride a bicycle vs. learning by physically riding one.
Your previous memory suppression was part of your body’s protective mechanism. Your body must have felt safe and that you are no longer in survival mode so the memories were released for you to finally process. Both your mental health and the health of your future marriage will depend on healing from and processing your trauma. Forcing yourself to get married or do anything that you are not ready for will only exacerbate your C-PTSD symptoms. Your fear responses are only your body’s way of trying to protect itself. Therapy will help you replace shame about your body’s protective mechanisms with gratitude. Once you learn how to actively protect yourself with appropriate boundaries and self-advocacy, your body will start trusting you and reduce the need to protect herself, eventually eliminating the need for fight or flight symptoms. Also surround yourself with loved ones, engage in grounding techniques and activities that bring you joy. Rediscover who you are. Part of your therapy should also involve focusing on your strengths to help with self-empowerment. Above all listen to your body and give her all she needs to feel a deep sense of safety (which basically means do not do anything you don’t want to). Finally, continue strengthening your connection with Allah and ask Him for guidance in your healing journey. He is the witness of all things, and knows truly all that you have experienced and the validity of your feelings. Who better to put your trust and your life in than the hands of Al-Muhaymin.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “AH”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Assalam Alaykum dear sister,
I cannot imagine all of the heavy burden you must have been carrying throughout the years. It seems your body has finally decided to let some of that go, and it is resulting in flashbacks. A little while ago, I had a friend confess to me that one of her family members had also sexually abused her and it was difficult to know what to say. These are very hard topics, and it may not always be easy to speak to someone, but I feel that it is really important to find someone you trust to lighten your burden a bit. You mentioned that you spoke to a psychologist for a few years but that she wasn’t understanding the difficulty you went through. If it is a possibility, you could try to find another psychologist, one grounded in more Islamic understanding who you can connect with. Connection is so important, and I wouldn’t want you to feel like you’re struggling alone. A professional can lend a compassionate ear and provide you with insight into how to move forward. If you feel comfortable you could also speak to your parents- or just your mom about what happened to you. If they don’t know, they might keep continuing to pressure you into a marriage that you are not ready for. Alhamdulilah, it is great to read that you feel this has improved your connection to Allah as this is a very difficult trial to experience and something I’ve heard before is that Allah gives His strongest soldiers the most difficult tests. Never give up hope and know that Allah hears all of your duas! As far as being afraid of getting married/males in general, it is completely understandable given your situation why you would be feeling this way. Again, I would lovingly suggest that you speak to your parents or a parent that you feel more comfortable with as open communication can help. Of course, I understand that not every family is privileged to have this and so you know your family best. Some other things you could do is read more about marriage and how Rasool’Allah (saw) fondly dealt with all his wives. It could help you to create more positive connections with men and marriage in general.
I pray that Allah brings ease to you, and blesses you with the very best of this life and the next, ameen!
