My mom hates me
Dear Fatima,
Assalamualaikum. Hope you are well. I am 25 years old. I have one older sister and one younger brother. From the get go, I’ve always felt out of place in my home. Like I don’t belong here. I never had a close relationship to either of my parents. My mom has always seen me as her scapegoat and punching bag. Whatever happens wrong, she finds any way to blame me. She’s always put my sister and brother above me even when I’m the one that does everything for her and takes care of her. It hurts and sucks so much. She’s always looking for a way to belittle and ridicule me. She has gone around the past 10 years telling people that she never wanted me and that she wanted to abort me but my father did not let her and that after some time he also felt like that was a mistake. I’ve done everything in my power to keep her happy, even choosing a career path that I hate just because that’s what SHE wanted. At the age of 25, being mentally, physically and psychologically abused, I am tired. My father passed away a couple of years ago from cancer. I was his caretaker towards the end of his life and did dropped school to spend as much time with him. It hurts to hear that he felt like keeping me was a mistake. Another thing is my mom’s blatant ignorance and gender inequality. I am treated so much differently than my younger brother and told that I should kiss the ground he walks on because he is the sole son of the house. He holds no responsibility (at the age of 22) and I am expected to do every little thing for him. I’m tired of this. Alhamdullilah I am engaged to a wonderful man (who unfortunately is recovering from surgery at the moment so we cannot get married until he heals) and am just waiting to marry him and leave behind this life. I do not want to see my mother after I leave, I do not care for her and I do not love her. But unfortunately I feel so much guilt. I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way and I know Allah SWT sees my pain and suffering. At times I feel very much alone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I’m sad and I’m tired.
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
It is totally natural for you to wish for your parents’ love. Even Ibrahim (as) wished for his father to hear him and see him for his worth and was disheartened when his father chose differently. His isn’t the only story in the Qur’an of someone wishing for their family member to love them and be on the same page with them. I don’t know why your parents could not see you for your worth, however, I do know that you have great worth. I know this because you are a creation of Allah (swt), and Allah created each and every one of us on purpose, with mercy, love, and care. Allah (swt) also designated each person’s rizq (provision), which means Allah thought about where we would get our food, water, money… and love.
One of the hardest things a child will face is coming to terms with the shortcomings of their parents — especially since those shortcomings are often responsible for some of our pain. I don’t know if it helps to consider that your parents are likely living out the pain that they carry from their own upbringing. Regardless, sometimes children have to create distance to heal before they can reengage in the relationship with their parents. I can’t say for certain, but from what you described, I am wondering if that might be helpful. You didn’t say which part makes you feel guilty, but I can imagine that feeling the anger and hurt towards your parents is uncomfortable.
Since we all need safety in order to heal fully, it might be a good idea to see what support your need to take some practical steps to increase your safety. That might look like finishing school, or getting a job that supports you enough that you can at least feel less dependent on others for financial stability, and at most allows you to move out into your own space.
Congratulations on your engagement! I’m glad you feel connected and cared for by your fiancee. Considering the deeply painful experiences you’ve had, I would encourage you to seek therapy so that you can keep your future relationships as healthy as possible. It’s so easy to fall into unhealthy patterns when we haven’t lived the healthy ones. So I hope you are able to give yourself the gift of self care.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FM”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam my dear sister. Mashallah you have been very strong and have made many sacrifices. I can understand that you have been feeling alone and under the burden of pain and suffering and you have internalized some of your anger as a source of guilt. When we have these types of feelings and experiences it’s important to listen to which boundaries our mind and body are telling us are being violated. You have already named some of them in your post. It may be helpful to reframe these injustices in your mind in a way that you can conceptualize. One example that may help is that when you are helping your mom (while your brother is annoyingly not) tell yourself that you are doing it for the sake of Allah and for the intention of maintaining peace in your family. It does not have to be that you’re doing it for your mom, parents or family told you so. Unfortunately, the reality is you may not be able to change anyone’s mind in your family through arguing. Know that eventually nothing is lost in this world and that you will be rewarded for your patience in some way.
Congratulations on your engagement, I pray that your future marriage becomes a source of peace and tranquility for you. When you are in your own home and gain more independence from your family, you may be able to more easily control and set boundaries with your family.
Finally, our Prophet Muhammad (saws) loved his daughter Fatima more than anything. As a women you are an incredible creation of Allah. Although you probably did not get that message enough, please be conscious of ways you may be internalizing any negative self talk or thoughts about being a woman.
I pray Allah swt grants you with the best.
