Not really sure if Waiting-Til-Marriage is Worth it Anymore
Assallamu’alaikum, dear Sisters,
I am a 22 yr old female, living in the United States. I am a moderately practicing Muslim; I fast Ramadan, do Zakat, pray and dress somewhat modest.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on the concept of “virginity”. I am abstinent up to this point. However, I’ve been wondering if remaining celibate is at all worth it anymore. I have such pent-up sexual urges, and it’s been hard to just not release it somehow. I know the whole deal of “well, get married”, but it’s really not as easy. I am in medical school, and really do not have time to think of marriage contracts, weddings, etc. Not the right time. I feel like I can avoid penetrative sex, but I’m open to other intimate experiences like making out. I’m not really sure what to think anymore ;/
Response from “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I believe sex and sexual health is something our community need to discuss more openly. Regarding your question of worth, anything that we do for the sake of Allah no matter how big or small will always be worth it. Not just for the next life but for this life as well. Anything you leave for the sake of Allah, you will receive back from Him multiple fold in the way of more barakah in your life. For example, you may feel blessings in form of increased rizk, better grades on your exam, better relationships with your love ones or blessed with a spouse that treats you well iA. Allah’s mercy and bounty is unlimited.
With that said I can also understand your difficulty. Our sexuality and sexual urges are a healthy and natural part of our lives created in us by Allah. Important to note is that level of sexual desire varies from person to person due to hormones, brain chemistry and a whole host of other variables. The level of difficulty you experience in trying to remain celibate is only something Allah will understand. Whether it’s worth it or not depends on your capabilities and circumstances. The choice you make about managing your sexual urges is between you and Allah.
If you are interested in trying to remain celebate, consider trying the following options to help curb your desire.
1. Limit exposure to sexual stimulus such as movies/media with explicit content, pornography, etc.
2. Lower your gaze. And minimize spending non-obligatory time around people you are sexually attracted to.
3. Engage in exercise, especially high intensity cardiovascular exercise to help burn off the excess hormonal energy.
4. As a medical school student you are likely under tremendous amounts of stress. For some people, stress serves as a deterrent to sex while for others stress can increase sexual desire. It is important that you engaged in healthy stress management practices to help curb your desire. Talking to a mental health practitioner can help you process your stress and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
5. You can also talk to your doctor about potential hormonal imbalances. They may suggest taking hormonal birth-control that can help regulate your hormones.
6. I am not a scholar and scholars may have differing opinions on this matter, so please make sure to conduct your due diligence in looking into my following suggestion from an Islamic perspective. If you have tried implementing my suggestions to the best of your ability and it still feels impossible to remain celibate, one option could potentially be to consider masterbation over zinna (being sexually intimate with another person outside of marriage) Since zinna is the greater of the sin between the two, when up against these two options it would be better to engage in the lesser of the sin and then repent to Allah. Even other intimate experiences with out penetration will only increase your body’s desire to further approach penetrative sex.
7. Of course, from the sunnah, fasting and doing dhikr can help both physically and spiritually.
May Allah make it easy for you to please Him and reward you infinite fold for struggling for his sake.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “AH”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Walaykum assalam wa rahmatuillah dear sister,
I hope this comment finds you well, insha’Allah! With the times that we are living in, I can understand that it can be extremely difficult to maintain one’s chastity. There are multiple ways nowadays that people seek to fullfill their desires. However, Allah, He is the One who knows us best, like how He says in surah Mulk- “How could He who created not know His own creation, when He is the Most Subtle, the All Aware?” (67:14, Abdul-Haleem Translation). Having sexual relations outside of marriage is haram because it protects us. Even more so, it gives a special layer of protection to women. In your post, you mention that, “I feel like I can avoid penetrative sex, but I’m open to other intimate experiences…”. What if you meet a guy and you start to develop deep feelings for him where it does lead to you going all the way? You might think that it’s not possible but when it comes to having boyfriends/girlfriends we are told to not even get close to it. When you start to get close it is like a trap, like how in cartoons they leave a trail of cheese to catch a mouse. Evenutally, that trail leads to the trap and it falls down on the mouse before it can even react. Even if you didn’t go that far, you are stil risking having heartbreak as these harm acts brings no baraqah from Allah. Anything without Allah’s blessing is sure to be horrible. The Prophet (SAW) recommened those who cannot get married to fast. Medical school can be very stressful and busy, so if you are able to, fast when you can. Keep an eye out for any potentials, ask your family and friends if they would have any potential matches in mind. Marriage is a great act of worship and it does not have to be some big elaborate celebration. Keeping things simple is wonderful. If you did find a match, you could have your Islamic marriage contract done and then have a wedding later on when it is a better time. That way you and your husband are Islamically married and Allah is pleased. Remember my dear sister that no matter what challenges you are facing, when you turn to Allah and do things for His Sake, He will make a way out for you. May Allah bless you with a wonderful and pious spouse and a marriage full of blessings, ameen.
