Betrayal in Marriage
I am a 25y.o female married to a 25y.o male. We have been married for 2 years and have a 7 month old son together. He works as a truck driver and is gone for weeks at a time. Ever since the beginning of our marriage, he would always say “Do not touch my phone if you want this marriage to last. I will give you my phone password but do not snoop around because if you look through my phone with the intention of finding something, then you will always find it.” It never sat right with me what he said, I was 4-5months postpartum (1.5years into our marriage) when I finally gave in and opened my husband’s phone while he was sleeping. I found out that my husband had been watching and sending reels of half naked women to his friends on Instagram. I was already struggling with my self-esteem due to pregnancy and postpartum body changes. I had also communicated to him that growing up my self-esteem was very low due to constantly being compared to my sisters and always made to feel less than. When I confronted him about his behavior, he got angry, blamed me for touching his phone, said all kinds of hurtful things, and only after I set a boundary (that if this happened again, I wouldn’t tolerate it and would leave) did he apologize and say he was remorseful. He said he has a bad habit of doing this because of his high lust and that he knows it is not a good thing. He agreed to delete his instagram and remove temptations. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later when I asked if he could show me his phone for transparency and for rebuilding trust that was broken, he got defensive and angry and accused me of treating him like a child, of acting like a mother who is checking to see if her son was a good boy or not. He changed his passwords and does not share them with me anymore. He also refuses to be transparent and just tells me that I just need to trust him when he tells me he stopped his online behavior. He says things like “I could very well get a second phone and hide it from you, and just hand over my old phone to you with nothing in it and lie to you about watching haram content again. You wouldn’t know. If you want, I can do that for your peace of mind.” He had redownloaded instagram when he was on the road and that shattered something within me and made me very anxious. I have been saying istighfar constantly and try to focus on my relationship with Allah, but there are days where the memory just comes back and I cry and feel so hurt. It is also hard to trust his words now. When I shared that with him, he said that this was why he told me not to check his phone, because he knew his behavior would hurt me and he tried his best to hide it. He also claims that his sin was between him and Allah and I just exposed it. He says that this much hurt and the breaking of trust would not have happened had I just listened to him and not snooped around on his phone. I feel devastated because it just feels like I am constantly manipulated and he does not have any empathy towards me especially when his ego or masculinity is threatened or questioned. I try to make dua but I just feel hopeless and have lost respect and feelings for him. I am starting to see his character more clearly now – lies easily, talks his way out of things, does not like or take accountability for his actions, jumps to threats and blackmail when angry or defensive. I am emotionally drained from this marriage but cannot see myself divorcing because of my child.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
My dear sister, reading your message, what struck me most was not the Instagram. It was how alone you have felt in your pain. You were only a few months postpartum a time when many women already feel vulnerable, exhausted, and unsure of themselves. Instead of feeling protected and cherished by your husband, you discovered something that reinforced your deepest insecurity. Then, when you brought him your hurt, he made the conversation about your actions instead of his own. That is why this still hurts so much.
You did not create this problem. Your husband has repeatedly framed the issue as: If you hadn’t looked, we wouldn’t be here. Your looking at the phone did not create his behavior. It revealed it. Yes, in Islam we should avoid spying unnecessarily (Qur’an 49:12), but this verse cannot be used as a shield to avoid accountability after trust has already been broken. Islamic scholars have long distinguished between unwarranted suspicion and dealing with an issue once it becomes known. His words reveal something deeper. There are several statements that stood out. When he says: I have high lust. That may explain temptation, but it does not excuse repeated choices. Every human being has desires. Allah commands both men and women to lower their gaze. Many men struggle, but struggling and justifying are not the same thing.
When he says: I could just get another phone. This is perhaps one of the saddest parts of your letter. A husband trying to rebuild trust asks: What can I do to help you feel safe again? Instead, he essentially says: Even if I wanted to deceive you, I could. That isn’t rebuilding trust. It’s reminding you that deception is always possible. Notice the pattern. As I read your letter, I noticed a recurring cycle: He does something hurtful. You express pain.
He becomes angry or defensive. The discussion shifts from his behavior to your reaction. Eventually you are the one questioning yourself. That cycle can leave someone emotionally exhausted because the original issue never truly gets resolved.
Trust is earned. One misconception many people have is that trust is something a spouse owes them. It isn’t. Trust is something we cultivate through consistent actions. If someone lies, hides things, breaks promises, and then says, “Just trust me,” they are asking for the fruit without planting the tree.
Islam teaches us that believers are trustworthy. The Prophet ( SAW) was known as Al-Amin ,the Trustworthy—even before prophethood. Trustworthiness isn’t merely about avoiding major sins; it’s about being reliable in how we treat those closest to us.
Postpartum matters. You were healing physically. Your hormones were changing. Your identity had shifted from wife to mother. You needed reassurance that your husband found you beautiful. Instead, you discovered he was spending time looking at other women online. That doesn’t mean he no longer found you attractive. But emotionally, it is understandable why you connected those things. Many women in your situation would. An apology isn’t measured by tears or words. It is measured by change. Real repentance sounds like: “I hurt you. I understand why you’re struggling. I’ll be patient while trust is rebuilt.”It doesn’t sound like: This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t looked. Those are very different responses. Your respect has diminished. You wrote something very important: I have lost respect and feelings for him. Respect often diminishes not because someone sinned, but because they refuse to own the sin.
About your son. You said you cannot imagine divorcing because of your child. That is a very understandable feeling. Wanting your son to grow up with both parents is a noble desire. But I also want to gently remind you of something. Children benefit most from homes where there is love, honesty, mercy, and emotional safety. Simply having two parents under one roof is not, by itself, enough if the relationship is marked by ongoing mistrust, manipulation, or emotional harm. At the same time, many marriages go through serious difficulties and do improve when both spouses are genuinely committed to change. You don’t have to decide today what the future will hold. Instead of asking your husband to simply prove he isn’t watching Instagram, I would ask whether he is willing to repair the marriage itself. That might include questions like: Can you acknowledge my hurt without blaming me? Can you understand why rebuilding trust takes time? Would you meet with a trusted imam or qualified Muslim marriage counselor? Are you willing to answer difficult questions with patience rather than anger? His responses to those questions may tell you more than any phone ever could. I don’t think you’re grieving Instagram anymore. I think you’re grieving the husband you believed you had. Those are two different losses.
You’re mourning the image of a man who would protect your heart, reassure your insecurities, and carry your trust carefully. Don’t let anyone convince you that your pain is simply because you “looked at his phone.” Your pain comes from feeling that the person you trusted most did not protect your heart and then did not respond with the compassion and accountability you hoped for afterward.
May Allah soften your husband’s heart, grant him sincere repentance, restore honesty and mercy to your marriage if that is good for both of you, and give you strength, wisdom, and peace in whatever lies ahead. Ameen!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/maritalconflict/
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