idk what to do
hihi! I’m an Arab 16-year-old girl from America. Ever since I was ten years old, I have known something was deeply wrong in my family dynamic. I grew up trapped under the heavy weight of rigid traditions, cultural restrictions, and constant honor-shaming. Witnessing women in my community gather the courage to speak up, only to be instantly shunned and shut down because their truths were labeled “shameful,” was genuinely traumatic for me. In my household, we were never allowed to have opinions or beliefs that contradicted the culture or what we were told: “Islam demanded.”But as I grew up and became more knowledgeable in my religion, I realized the liberating truth: everything that had been forced upon us was fake. Religion was never the problem. The niqab was never mandatory. The heavy black abayas did nothing but strip away a young girl’s personality. Having to wear solid black for your whole life eventually tints your entire worldview that color.Because of this realization, I found myself stranded between two completely different worlds. I was too American and open-minded for my family and their home country, yet too cultured and closed-minded to fully blend into standard America. It felt like a game I could never win. I hate my culture, unfortunately. I deeply wish I could love it the way I see other girls do. But the painful difference between them and me is that the very same culture they love was shoved down my throat since I was four years old, while it was merely handed to them as an optional lifestyle choice. It feels fundamentally unfair. It feels as though my family believes my entire purpose in life is simply to get married and bear children.To be completely honest, that expectation is my greatest fear. I have seen what marriages look like in my family. I have seen the cheating, the lies, the deep hurt, and the endless betrayal. If that suffering is the only blueprint I have ever been given, how can anyone judge me for the way I protect my heart? I claim to hate marriage, yet the truth is that I am a hopeless romantic. I quietly hope that one day, a man will truly see me for who I am—valuing my mind and my spirit rather than just my body or my forced modesty. It is just terrifying to trust someone with that version of me fully. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be a nurse, or maybe even a therapist. But honestly, those career paths were never actually what I wanted; they were simply the acceptable options my parents wanted for me. If I had agreed to their plan, I would have left the last remaining piece of my personality behind, buried with the vibrant colors I was never allowed to wear. Growing up, “What will people say?” was a constant echo in my household. It was an interrogation that slowly became a part of my rotting soul. I felt like a mere pawn, forced to live out a rigid script that my family had already built and molded for me. I love my parents deeply, but the life script they revised over and over for me just didn’t fit. It wasn’t who I was. Getting married at eighteen and immediately having children was not the future I envisioned. In my community, my dreams were labeled “shameful.” For a long time, I wept goodbye to those pitied dreams and silently swallowed my words. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m already too deep in. Growing up, I was always told that I seemed too mature for my age. I used to take it as a compliment—until I couldn’t anymore. See, you are praised for being mature at a young age, until you suddenly shift into being labeled “too childish” for a grown woman. But I never was a woman; I was only twelve. I experienced years of isolation and loneliness that I was forced to carry. Unsurprisingly, I became deeply depressed. But no one ever noticed. Either I was way too good at hiding it, or people simply never cared. I lived in that quiet darkness for years. I was always bullied for my name, though. In Spanish, my name genuinely meant the word nothing. For years, that word hung over me, and I felt exactly like what my name meant. And honestly, I still do. I feel like my mom hates me, and I don’t know why; it feels like she resents me because she was married off at 16 and had me by 18. But even after all of this, shouldn’t she want to change the script? Shouldn’t she want to give me a better life?? I’m not allowed to have friends or go out or have a phone or have social media or wear anything other than abayas outside or call friends or text friends or go anywhere without her. I can’t even wear colors that aren’t black. This is making me stray away from Islam even tho i know it isn’t the religion but the culture, even tho other people have changed their twisted ways. My family is still stuck in the 1980s; idk what to do. Like, I feel insecure in my hijab already, but I continue to choose to wear it, but this is too much (I’ve been wearing hijab ever since I was 4 years old and abaya ever since I was 12). Honestly, I feel so hopeless. I’m homeschooled, so I’m home 24/7 under her survelience its so suffocating. She’s so attached to me; it’s driving me insane. It’s been like this ever since I was 10, and I’m sick of it. When college is brought up, she says no I can’t go, and if I do, then I’d have to do it at home. Like, do not piss me off. There is no actual way I’m gonna stay in this house any longer. I don’t wanna get married just to get away because at that point I’m just trading a prison for another one. It feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s hopeless. She reminds me 24/7 that she can’t wait to marry me off so she can get rid of me, and she’s gonna make sure he’s “religious” (aka insanely cultural and controlling) so he keeps me at home and won’t allow me to see the sun (her words, not mine). She also said I’m gonna have to marry whoever they choose, and it has to be arranged. I tried to break the rules today, as I’m writing this. When we went shopping, I bought a black skirt and a long navy blue cardigan that says New York on it in white, and she called me a tabburaja and said that she doesn’t know what changed me, but she’s gonna figure it out?? Like I’m so confused. My body isn’t showing at all, and mind you, my OWN father said it was okay and that she’s weird for enforcing such rules, but he listens to her to keep the peace, so she tells him that he’s gonna allow me to do stuff like this that will lead to me going out in shorts? Like, how does that even connect? I’m so lost. Anywho, I bought them, and I went out that same day with a long muted pink abaya and brown hijab, and she brought a black jacket and chased me, saying I had to wear it, or she would never forgive me. I never wore it, and my dad told me there was nothing wrong with my outfit, nor was my body showing; it was fully within modesty rules. She tells me daily that my future will look just like hers and my aunts’, and sometimes I can see invisible horns on her head because who wishes such a fate upon their daughter?? The women here were forced to marry and bear children, weren’t allowed an education, and don’t have any friends or a life at all no hobbies, no nothing. Misery must really love company, I guess? I told my therapist about this, and she’s like oh ur mom is probably projecting blahblahblah like I genuinely do not care what she had to go through; I’m so tired of considering people’s feelings when no one bats an eye toward mine. She’s making my life even more miserable than hers was just because she wants to, like, I’m so confused. It makes me so sad because I don’t know what I did to deserve this, and I don’t wanna have to do stuff in secret because I hate having to sneak around and have that lingering anxiety of getting caught, but I guess that’s my only way to make peace with this. I sometimes tell other girls this, and they tell me to just run away, but honestly, 1. it’s harder said than done, and 2. I love my brothers dearly and would never leave them as the oldest sister, and 3. the culture revolves around heavy punishments if I were to be caught… so I don’t wanna have to go through all this. Everyone in this family deems this to be a normal occurrence and behavior/lifestyle, when in my eyes it IS NOT at all, and I’m so scared I don’t wanna get married; I just wanna live my life. My mom and everyone around her make it so hard to speak and tell them things, and that’s why I’ve gotten into situations I regret, but what can I do now? I didn’t know any better, nor did I have any guidance, because shame and honor mean “so much”. I’ve begged Allah to help me in any way possible for the past 6 years, and alhamdulillah some stuff has been answered (like finally getting my own room after sleeping in the same room as my mom for 16 years, and also my dad teaching me how to drive and saying not wearing an abaya is okay; it’s just my mom won’t change at all and idk what to do.. She said if my uncles ever see me without an abaya and speak to her or her mom or dad, she’s gonna leave the house for good. (Again, trying to manipulate and guilt-trip/gaslight me.) I’ve tried begging, crying, explaining, talking; nothing works. I’ve done it all, but she keeps trying to manipulate and gaslight me beyond measure. She guilt-trips me into believing I’m becoming a kafira just because I want to live a normal life. I hope you can give me some guidance, tell me what to do, and let me know who’s in the wrong.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I don’t live in your house and can only go on what you are sharing here, but it seems that your mom and your dad have a difference of opinion about how to live Islam, and you feel more comfortable with your dad’s understanding of Islam than your mom’s.
I also hear you saying that your mom has a lot of big feelings that land on everyone around her, and that you are feeling trapped by those feelings.
It sounds like you have a therapist. Does your mom?
Sometimes it is important for parents to get help with their feelings so that they can figure out what’s happening inside and see how they can navigate their parenting more calmly.
When parents feel afraid, or overwhelmed, sometimes they reach for ways to get their point across. They might fall back on culture (I am older and our culture says elders decide and children listen.), or they might use religion to get their point across (You will go to jahannum if …). We have to separate when religion is being taught, and when it is being used to manage our own feelings. I can’t say for sure if this is what your mom is going through, since sometimes fear is built into the way that religion is taught in some cultures.
However, since your father seems to be ok with some of the decisions that you are making, and your mother is not, I wonder if this is a conversation the two of them need to have together to come to an understanding of what their parenting rules will be.
Your focus should be on figuring out your values through conversations with religious leaders that you trust and adults who you feel safe with. I am glad to hear your father is one of those adults for you.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
“Fatima FM”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful:https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/07/20/struggling-with-faith-identity-and-purpose/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/05/01/fear-of-being-myself-because-of-my-environment/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/culturalstruggles
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