Where Do I Go From Here…

Dear Fatima,

Please understand that what I about to say is going to sound strange, but I will say that I am a 21 year old muslim female who is struggling with her deen and doesn’t know where to go.

I’m very familiar with Quranic ayat and hadiths of when the going gets rough. I know all of the sayings and I heard them all over social media – “with every hardship comes ease” – but does it? I’ve been consumed with so many negative experiences and I see no light anywhere close.

I should probably also mention that verbal abuse is a consistent thing in my household. It is something I have grown up with, and lately it has been getting too much so much so that it feels like its swallowing me whole. Everytime I make duaa that it stops, and it doesn’t. I make duaa that I’m somehow relieved of this mental strain that is effecting my schoolwork, my social life, and anxiety levels – but it doesnt. I make duaa that just for one day I can come home to peace and quiet, and it never happens. So in all honestly, sometimes I just ask myself what is the point in all of this? Where is the light? Will there ever be the light?

I feel so lost and vulnerable. I’ve felt so neglected and in the dark, that I let go of salah. Like I said, I grew up muslim but I’ve been so knocked down I felt like I am just alone, not progressing and at a stand still.

So where do I go from here??

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Dear Lost and Vulnerable,

 

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

 

The image that came to mind when you described your situation was that of Yunus (as) who was swallowed whole by the whale.

[Side note: Surah Yunus might actually be a good read for you, along with the story of Yunus (as) detailed in Surah Saffat (37) verses 139-148, and the du’a of Yunus (as) relayed in Surah Anbiyaa’ (21), verse 87.]

 

I thought of Yunus (as) because you sound exasperated, tired, angry, hopeless, and very stuck.  The place you describe is so dark that no light seems to penetrate it, and that just maybe you are beginning to doubt you exist at all… that perhaps you fear you’ve melted into the darkness and are invisible, and that the longer you are there, the harder it seems to be able to believe that anything will be different.

 

I’ve written several posts to people who feel down on themselves, or lost (Please see additional references below or browse other posts on the site).

Those posts are all relevant to your situation and might provide some comfort.

 

But here’s the bigger issue for you, right now, right here.

 

What is your future?

You may not feel this way, but I suspect there is more of this equation that is in your hands.

You are 21, a college student.

You have identified that the circumstances of you life are harming you.

So where to go from here?  That’s up to you.

 

Choosing to not pray is like choosing to not change the oil in your car.

It will run fine for a while, and then the gunk will begin to build up and damage the engine.

And who does it hurt?  You.

What does it change about your circumstances?  Nothing.

 

If I were to function briefly as your GPS, I would say first you need to figure out where you are.

Then you need to figure out your destination.

Once you know those two points, you can chart a course.  You can figure out how to move forward in your life, while maintaining a respectful relationship with your parent(s) AND healing from the lasting impacts of the family culture you grew up in.

 

So where are you?

What are points of light in your life?

What are the strengths within you?

Who are your cheerleaders?  (Adding a counselor to your support system might make sense.)

What are challenges you face?

 

Where would you *like* to be?

This might be more difficult to figure out than it sounds.

Your gut reaction might be “away from here!”

And if you do have that reaction, I would invite you to think about that carefully.

Parents have a deep and lasting place in our lives, and the ways that we live our lives are intricately tied up with who they are and how they relate(d) to us.

 

So yes, maybe you want to be away from here… but do you want them out of your life completely? … forever?

If not, then what would it take for you to maintain a healthy connection to them?

How would you work on yourself so that you don’t recreate a familiar environment somewhere else?

By that I mean, how do you avoid choosing a life partner, a roommate, or a job situation that treats you in an abusive manner — or worse yet, how do you avoid finding yourself abusing someone in the way that you felt abused?

 

I know this is a lot to do all at once.

So perhaps start small…. like starting a gratitude journal… maybe you’ll find that when Allah (swt) said “fa inna ma’al ‘usri yusra” (verily with every difficulty there is ease) that He (swt) provided you with more ease than you can see right now past all pain.

If you can find it, and be grateful for it, perhaps you can trust Him (swt) enough to reach out again — to Him (swt) and to the people that He (swt) placed in your life to provide you support.  

 

Only when we reach out, look for guidance, and take action that is constructive and sincere can we see a way through our situations to a more hopeful destination.

 

wa ‘alaykum salam,

-Fatima FM

 

[If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info to info@nuryouthforum.org]

 

Additional References to posts mentioned above

https://www.stonestobridges.org/?p=1795

 “The only one who knows how deeply you feel that is God, as Allah is “closer to you than your jugular vein” – which means that He knows your strengths, the effort you are putting forth, and the things that hold you back.”

“Courage is the strength to face that which is hardest for each of us to deal with – even when we are afraid and feel alone.”

https://www.stonestobridges.org/?p=1059

 “Recognize and embrace your positive qualities. Start by making a list of all your qualities including skills, experiences, talents, and anything else that makes you feel good about yourself. Add to the list the compliments that others have given you as well.”

https://www.stonestobridges.org/?p=822

 If your friends & family really want the best for you, the more you speak from your heart about why you think that this is the direction to go, the better they’ll be able to hear you.

 https://www.stonestobridges.org/?p=818

 “The struggle with parents occurs because there is a barrier between how we grow up here in the western world and how our parents grew up back home (for most of us). Because of this difference, they don’t understand us and, frankly, we don’t understand them.”

 

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Salaam,

I think that all of the thoughtful individuals who have responded to your post all touched on very important and insightful things and insha’allah you have received some benefit and support for your situation from them. I echo what has been said and just wanted to add this- 

 

Sometimes it is very difficult to try and comprehend all of the larger existential realities of why you are where you are, if it all makes sense, and what it means about you and your relationship with Allah. These are things that are good to struggle to understand and grapple with. However, at times, when we feel stuck and bogged down by the weight of the dunya, the most powerful forces of change can come from dunya related things. What I mean is that perhaps focusing on mundane behavior and action is the best tool you have to finding your power. Basically, from what you described, I Imagine that you’re feeling rather powerless. And a lot of the things that you described are literally out of your power, out of your control (other people’s treatment of you, Allah’s response to dua, etc.). It may be helpful to focus on small things that you can control, that you can actually see the effects from. This will help build your sense of personal power and help you feel like you actually have some control over your situation. Here are some examples; exercise- exercise is the number one treatment for depression and in general has an incredible capacity to instill in us a sense of personal power. When you enact your willpower and use your physical body it helps you to feel like you are actually doing something that effects you, rather than feeling only like you are effected by the things happening around you. There are also physiological effects that physical activity has on your nervous system and brain chemistry that make you feel more content. 

 

Another example of something you can do is to focus on a hobby or develop a skill. This is again something that you can experience a direct relationship between your actions and an effect or even a product that you produce. This can be building something, making art, baking cookies, knitting a sweater, catching a fish… anything really. But the idea is that the more time you spend focusing on things that you do have control over, the less powerless you feel in general and this will give you the strength, patience and clarity that you need to put up with all of the things in your life that are happening beyond your control. Then, once you have established a routine of having those experiences of personal power throughout each week, and it becomes consistent, then you’re relationship to the things going on in your life will change. You will no longer feel so oppressed by them because you have given yourself the experience of having some control over your life and not just feeling like a victim of circumstance. Then, ironically, you will have more of an innate ability to trust in and surrender to Allah’s will and be more likely to understand the notion of “with hardship comes ease”. I think there is actually a part you need to play in being able to experience that ease. And it lies in the act of enacting your willpower. Think of your will like a muscle. If you don’t use it it will atrophy. The exercise and the hobbies that I suggested are like training for your will power, to build that muscle. Because you need a strong will in order to willingly submit to the Will of Allah.

 

With my sincere dua,

your brother in Islam