In desperate need to rebuild myself

In desperate need to rebuild myself

Dear Fatima, I am a senior in high school and I have 2 major issues right now on top of everything else. First of all, I say a lot of bad words, which I know I need to stop. but how? 🙁 Also, I rarely ever respect my parents. It is not like I don’t want to but there is simply never a day that goes by without them getting extremely angry at me for something. I have realized that talking back is not acceptable so I try to avoid that. But if I simply don’t say anything in the heat of the moment, they yell at me because they think I’m simply not willing to accept my fault or that I am ignorant to my mistakes and simply don’t care. I don’t know how to respond to their angry moments anymore. I just don’t know what to do. Like am I supposed to go beg on their knees for forgiveness next time? Fatima, I am so confused with my life. In fact, when my mom gets angry, she will mock my friendships at school and hook it back to my social issues in school and tell me that I am the same bad human being with those people and that is why no one likes me and I have no friends. My dad doesn’t even give me a moment to tell him any good news. If I get into a college, he won’t say “good job”. He will say, “I have every right to see this, show me”. And then I simply don’t want to show him anymore. Our relationship is merely a “live together” battleground. I am going to be honest, I am not very respectful to them, but when they criticize and yell at me for everything and relate it to things that have absolutely no correlation to the point being argued, it drives me crazy. I don’t want to argue with them. I don’t want this relationship to simply be one where I tell Allah S.W.T that yes, you dumped it on me to have 2 parents so I did the very minimum which was to “handle them” and passively move through their moments of anger every day. I don’t want my parents to tell Allah that I was a terrible daughter. I just want us to get along with each other so we are not constantly fighting. I want to be more respectful to them. but I really don’t know how because I am always getting in trouble for something, whether it is an accidental payment with their credit card or for losing something.  Fatima, what can I do? I am really in desperate need to rebuild myself.

Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

It sounds like you are very angry and frustrated with your parents. You feel they don’t hear you or understand you for who you are. It’s not surprising that you feel hurt and sad when those things happen. I wonder if all the things that you do like saying bad words, or using their credit card without their knowledge, or becoming disrespectful, are (in part) ways for you to show your anger at them when you feel like they don’t hear you.
If that is the case, you have only two real options. Since the best way to solve a conflict between two (or in this case three) people is for all people to participate in the solution, the first option is for you to find a mediator – like an imam, a family member, or a family counselor – who will help you all talk about how you can work better together to create a more peaceful and collaborative relationship. This may take lots of conversations to help all of you understand why this keeps happening, what the underlying issues are, and how all of you can be different with each other. Then that person may need to stick with you as you all put those words into practice.
The second option is, if talking it out is not an option, then you will have to find a way to manage the relationship until you can move out and start seeing a counselor on your own. Through your work with the counselor, you can take a deeper look at yourself and work through the pain you feel in the relationship. Once you have spent the time doing that, you will be able to have a relationship with your parents that will be less painful because you have grown enough that the things that used to bother you cause you less pain than they would have before.
Throughout both options, making du’a, meditation, and other ways of strengthening your spirit will help you find a inner calm that will allow you to bring your best self to all interactions with your parents – and any other situations in which you feel hurt, frustrated, and angry.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”

3 thoughts on “In desperate need to rebuild myself”

  1. Anonymous

    I teach 8th grade and up Islamic Studies to boys, and we just covered the topic of family duties and responsibilities. I’m not going to say you have to love your parents – in fact, of the duties children have to their parents, love is not listed once. Your parents, however, have certain rights expected from you: the right to discipline you, the right to be spoken to with kind words, the right of caretaking when they grow old, and the right to respect and obedience. Similarly, your parents have duties to you – you have the right to education, to material things, and their *love* and *affection.* This does not, however, mean that if they don’t hold up their end of their bargain, you can similarly drop your part – but realize that you will get your justice from them when the time comes.

    I live in a house with my father still, and he isn’t exactly the easiest person to live with. My coping strategies have always been this – answer as quietly and quickly as possible. Remind yourself that just because your parents say cruel words, it doesn’t make it true; your parents are trying to make you upset. Allah (swt) gives us trials in our parents, and our parents trials in dealing with us. It isn’t very fair to treat your home like a war zone where you have to watch everything you say, but learning to be silent and let their words roll off your back is imperative. Make the appropriate noises (‘yes mom’ ‘I’m sorry’ ‘I’ll try to do better’ ‘yes’ ‘okay’ ‘you’re right’) and focus on what was the trigger for the latest outburst. I’ve learned to identify what responses and what actions will *always* set my father off, and what actions will only *sometimes* set him off, and try my best to act accordingly.

    My sister on the other hand is extremely confrontational. She doesn’t like being yelled at, she uses bad language constantly, and my father always seems to attack her for the slightest things. She has learned to just stop talking. It sometimes angers your parents more, but at least when she’s not talking, she’s not arguing back or saying sharp words to them.

    I hope things get better, I really do, and it’s not fun when you are scared to come home (as pretty much all the kids in my family are, and do their best to have excuses to stay out as long as possible). However, be aware that though your parents are acting like children, there are specific triggers that are setting them off. If you can identify these triggers, you can be the adult in this scenario and learn to avoid them. Maybe your mother decides to go off because she feels like you don’t help enough, even if you already help; maybe your father decides to go off because (like my father) he’s certain the reason you stay out is because you have a boyfriend or something so he will call you foul names (as he has done to my sister) or constantly question the legitimacy of your words. Find ways around their triggers, and in sha Allah, things will be easier on you.

    Your sister in Islam.

  3. Anonymous

    Hi Sweetheart,
    The bad language…I can’t help much with because it never appealed to me. I used to try and swear in High School to fit in, but with every bad word I felt my soul and tongue feeling dirty.

    But for the parents issue, I hope you take time to read this. I don’t know if I fought as much as you with my parents but I was definitely always angry with them. The problem isn’t our parents alone though…its the generation gap, the lack of communication, the frustrations their deal with and the problems you have in your life. Even now in my 30s I communicate so well with everyone on the planet, but I never built that clear communication path with my parents. And that results in anger…because you always end up feeling like nobody understands you.
    It’s beautiful that you are so aware of what you do wrong and your fear of Allah. That’s why there IS hope. I pity those kids who never even recognize the problem…but now that you have, it’s a great start to finding a solution.

    Ego is a terrible thing…you always want to prove yourself right. I am providing you with a link to controlling anger. It has helped me A LOT…try listening to it, I’m sure it will put into perspective why everyone under your roof is always restless (I’m hoping you understand Urdu/hindi): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1xPjVyd8nw