Romance and Marriage
I am an 18 year old girl and I think of myself as a romantic. I watch television shows and read books about romance, but from my knowledge, watching kissing scenes is haram. I truly want to marry as soon as the right opportunity comes. I do not have many requirements for a husband, such as I do not care much about how much money his job provides as long as it is enough to make a decent living, and I care very little for appearance. I only want a religious man to be in love with me and very sweet to me; his love is all I need. As long as he would not hold me back from education or work, and be very supporting instead, I would marry him. The problem is I dream about this many times throughout the day, when I should be doing homework, for example. My friend told me its nomal at my age to dream about sex and love making, but it bothers me because usually fluid is released when these thoughts come. I have read that they only invalidate wudu and that ghusl is not needed, but I don’t like worrying about this. I am very scared that I’ll never find the man of my dreams, and I often feel this when I see that some of my other Muslim friends are happily engaged/married. I feel very lonely and pathetic after daydreaming,
As Salaam Alaikum,
I think its a very courageous first step to seeking help and I hope to be able to answer your question as best as possible. Doing something once in awhile is OK, but making it a daily habit that can occupy your time for more than a few hours can become problematic. Daydreaming is OK, so long as you are aware that 1. its a daydream and 2. it doesn’t interfere with your life. I say this because if you are spending more hours daydreaming than you are being productive to your daily routine, I think it might help to see a qualified therapist in your area.
I also think it might be helpful for you to get involved in activities that will occupy your time and energy, like art, working out, or dance. These types of activities keep you active and your mind working and don’t allow for you to have time to daydream. They also release endorphins in your body that can help release the type of desires that can be released for masturbation. Also, focus on school – if you are still in high school then focus on the school you are going to go to for college. Look into the classes you are going to take, the extra curriculars that you can get involved in on campus. I also think you should look into volunteering your time to help others – go to your local elderly home or homeless shelter and spend time helping those that need help. Perhaps, if you don’t already have one, get a job.
Lastly I highly encourage you to look into your self- you know that what you are doing can be damaging to your spiritual self – so perhaps start praying more, do more dhikr, meditate and focus on yourself.
I strongly urge you to know concern yourself with marriage but to focus on your future, your career, your inner self. Its OK to think about the type of person you’d like to marry, what characteristics you’d like them to have – but marriages are gifts from Allah that come when the time is right. InshaAllah when it is your time, it’ll happen organically.
Try reciting this dhikr as often as you can:
Allahumma `ālim al-ghaybi wa’l-shahādati fātir al-samāwāti wa’l-ardi rabba kulli shay’in wa malīkah; ash-hadu an lā ilāha illa ant, a`ūdhu bika min sharri nafsī, wa min sharri’l-shaytāni wa shirkih (sharakih), wa ‘an aqtarifa `ala nafsī sū’an aw ajurrahu ilā Muslim.
“O Allah, Knower of the unseen and the evident, Maker of the heavens and the earth, Lord of everything and its Possessor, I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but You. I seek refuge in You from the evil of my soul and from the evil of Satan and his helpers (or traps); and from bringing evil upon my soul and from harming any Muslim.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi)
May Allah help you stay on the path and keep your heart pure.
Good luck.
HA18
Salaam sister,
It’s pretty typical for us girls to feel like “hopeless romantics”. We love the idea of a pure love. We love the idea of giving our love to someone and making them happy. For us, the idea of love making and fantasizing about these things is not the lustful aspect, but the idea that we are in a loving, happy, and close relationship. We also do not ask for too much in return (i.e., looks, money, etc.) because we don’t believe that those things matter when it comes to the beautiful and selfless act of loving and of course, our future man will see how much we love and understand our love, so they will appreciate it and love us in return. That’s what we hope, anyway.
Thinking about love like this is so romantic, pure, and ideal. We think that when others are married and we see their cute and smiling pictures, that they share that amazing love. We are happy for them…but in the inside we feel a little sad, and maybe even jealous, that we don’t have that right now. We also feel fear that we will never, ever get to experience something like that even though we desperately hope so.
There are two things to consider: one is your future marriage situation and the second is how you feel about the marriage of others. The easiest one to tackle is how you feel about others getting married. You think that just because you are the romantic and you want to be loving and selfless, that others are the same way. In fact, most (not all!) people are quite selfish and their definition of love is different. What appears to you from what you hear or in a picture is not all of reality. Yes, there are times when couples are happy and loving, but there are plenty of times when they fight and have lots of difficulty with each other. Everyone says it: marriage is tough. Marriage will have its ups and downs for the helpless romantics, and it certainly has its ups and downs for others.
When you accept the reality that is that loving someone and being in a marriage is actually really hard (and it’s supposed to be, because marriage helps us grow to see our weaknesses and to be better servants to Allah) then we can see our fantasies for what they are…just an escape to feel something amazing. It’s normal for us to fantasize every once in a while, but don’t let it control you. Accept that these fantasies will not always be reality. These fantasies will not help you prepare for your marriage, they hurt you because they make you feel lonely since you are comparing your reality to something so ideal, and it’s unfair to the people you hear about to not be happy for them because of your standards.
A way to help you accept your reality is to say that I am young and marriage has not come my way yet. I will dedicate this phase in my life…make it my personal mission… to make myself the best human I can possibly be. Changing and growing takes time and space…both of which will be very hard to come by when you get married. Tell yourself that you are doing this not only to be the best spouse for your future hubby, but to be the best person for yourself and to be a real servant of Allah.
Make a list of things you want straight in your life before getting married. This will help you set the stage for a happy marriage:
-what emotions are in yourself that you feel are immature and would lead to lots of fights? Write them down to be aware of them so little by little you can try to change.
-are there any experiences in your life that have given you an unhealthy view on marriage?
-are there any experiences in your life that have given you a healthy view on marriage?
-where do you want to be career-wise when you are married? Do you want to have a job, or not be employed yet?
-where do you want to be education-wise? Do you want to be done will all your studies or try to tackle school and marriage together?
These basic questions will help you develop your plan or mission to make this pre-marriage phase in your life super fulfilling iA.
Anonymous
Thank you so much, I try to become a better person each day, but I quite often just daydream instead to escape. I do agree that many couples are not so romantic and I sometimes do have high standards for men. I also agree that people get blinded by love, which is why I believe that being “in love” is not enough to marry a person, just as Islam recommends, to my knowledge. I have read that it is difficult for a romantic person to be in a relationship with someone who is not as romantic, but that the couple should also understand that people show their love in different ways. InshAllah I will marry a very romantic man in the future, as romantic as a man can be, anyway. I do realize that I need to live in the present, however, and stop thinking about the future so much.
HA18
It’s great that you’ve thought this through so much! You touched on a great point as well…living in the present. It’s hard for me to do that, it’s hard for a lot of us to do that. I would also daydream a lot and worry about the future. But when I started really committing to growing and changing as a person, I learned to accept myself, and when I did that, Allah sent someone very accepting my way. I recently got married and I always notice that some of the things I felt very emotional about and had a lot of fear would never exist, Allah put those in my spouse. InshAllah, Allah will see how much you are trying and will guide you more and more each day.
Anonymous
Thank you 🙂