I’m dying
Dear Fatima, I’m an 18 yr old girl. I’m in college and I’m very depressed. I know there are people and people come and go but I can’t live without my cousin. She is one of my very few best friends and she is working for my dads company. When my aunt was gone, she stayed at our place for a long time. Now that my aunt is back, she has left for her house. She says the only reason she stays there is because she has her own bed and at my place, she has to share one. But I can’t live like this, I have been crying every night since she left, sometimes I cry for hours nonstop. It’s affecting me a lot and she only comes every other weekend so I’m very lonely inside. Therapists haven’t helped me and I don’t have anyone else that I love and trust more than her, please help me, I don’t know what to do. I know that I’m depending a lot on her but I feel like I can’t control my feelings and emotions
Assalamu ‘alaykum,Your post really paints of a picture of the pain you are feeling.It sounds dark, overwhelming, and lonely.It also sounds like when you are with your cousin, you can see the stars shimmering through the darkness. What a blessing to have someone who reminds you that even the darkest night gives way to new sunrise.Often when people are in that place where they’ve lost sight of the stars, we find ourselves alone with ourselves.It appears your inner self starts speaking to you of your pain and asking for help.I know it may not feel this way – but you do have the ability to help yourself relieve that pain.But often it requires facing it, walking through it, learning to hear it.And just like darkest night, but doing so you find a sunrise on the other side.The most recent book by Brene Brown (Rising Strong) might help describe this process in more detail, and you may be able to do some of it on your own. I also hear the depth of what you are describing and feel it may be best for a therapist to walk with you as you face that pain.I do want to say that many people go to therapy looking for a quick fix, or get frustrated after a few sessions when they feel like things aren’t changing as quickly as they would like. So if you go, I would recommend you go with the idea that you are going to work with him or her for a year.I know it sounds like a long time, but what you are describing didn’t come to be over night, so it’s going to take some time for you to sort through what you are experiencing and to build the skills that you need to manage the pain, understand it, and grow through it.I use the words “grow through it” purposefully… it’s not going to be a matter of “just get over it.”The experiences that brought you to this place shaped you, helped you to become who you are — built your strengths and gave you your challenges.So the person you will become will be shaped by how you “grow through” the challenge you are facing now.The therapist is a companion on the journey as you do the work. He or she can observe, guide, challenge, encourage, and hold the hope when you can’t find any… but it’s your journey, and you have the strength, and the ability to make it through to the next chapter.Wa ‘alaykum salam,Your sister in Islam,Fatima Z
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Salaams my dear,
Your post really struck a chord with me. Similar to as you detailed and as the other commentator shared, sometimes we rely on people for fulfillment, happiness, and stability and when that is taken away from us, it literally shatter us. The emotional toll is so much, that it impairs our functioning. I want to share with you an article that helped me when I was going through a tough time, when I felt very alone and as though I had no one to count on. It’s a bit long, but it’s a great piece written by Yasmin Mogahed on “Why do people leave each other” and how when we are attached to someone, it hurts us when they leave our life. I really, really recommend you read this when you get a chance inshaAllah: http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2011/11/13/why-do-people-have-to-leave-each-other/
I hope this helps.
🙂
Anonymous
Aa dear,
I hope the counselor’s response has given you some sort of comfort. Now, I’m going to share with you a personal story of my own. I grew up with tons of cousins, alhumdulillah. We all lived near each other and were/are around the same age group, so all went to school together, and would see each other practically every day. We didn’t live together but it was close enough. And then we started getting older. When my first really close cousin was getting married, I had a total meltdown. I cried all the time–before the wedding, during her nikkah, throughout the entire wedding, as she walked out with my new brother-in-law, as I saw her walk in again with him at her reception, and then every time I would watch her wedding video and look at the pictures afterwards. This lasted for a reallly long time. But then a really close friend and mentor of mine told me something.. she said that we are given a life to live for a purpose. Our purpose is to serve Allah SWT. We are here to love those who love Him and stay close to those who are close to Him. No one is permanent. My cousin is married with kids, lives an hour away, I hardly see her, but I know that no matter what I need, when I need it, I can go to her without a second glance. We have some specific people in our lives that we are extremely close to, and we should be eternally grateful to Allah SWT for allowing us to know and feel and live with that love, because it is an honor to have it and hold it. Focus on the purpose of why people are put into your lives, and why some are pulled away. Maybe this is Allah SWT’s test for you: to see whether you are capable of a sort of loss, whether you turn to Him in your time of need. I know without a doubt that He will present you with answers and happiness in places that you will have never have imagines, and insha’Allah, your cousin will get to be a part of all that happiness with you. Trust in Allah, have faith in Him and what is written for you, and iA, things will all become clear. I pray that you feel some contentment in your heart, insha’Allah. And if you ever need to talk to someone, we are always here to help iA.
Love and duahs from one sister to another 🙂