How to move on from sexual assault experienced during childhood
This is something difficult to talk about but I need to get it off my chest. I’ll get straight to it; about a year ago I came to the full realization and had accepted that I might have been sexually assaulted during my childhood.
It still doesn’t exactly make sense to me because you would think that if you were sexually assaulted then you wouldn’t realize it years later, right? I’m 18 now and it happened when I was around 10-12 yrs old. I think it was hard to believe that that’s what had happened because the person who did it was my older brother and he was a kid at the time too so I kept telling myself it wasn’t possible, he’s two years older than me. I don’t want to go into too many details but what would happen is this: when my parents weren’t home then he would ask me if I wanted a “massage.” That was what he would call it. He would mostly ask me to touch him in inappropriate ways such as giving him a handjob. Sometimes he would touch me too down there with his fingers or touch my butt. I remember one time he tried to show me porn too because I distinctly remember that I had never heard of the site “pornhub” until he showed it to me. I couldn’t watch it for more than a few seconds and I just left the room.
I only realized that this was sexual assault about a year ago. I have a lot of trouble sleeping in general, it was one of those nights where I couldn’t fall asleep. I suddenly started thinking about those memories. In my teenage years, I would think about it from time to time, but I just blocked out the memories whenever I did. It’s like I had forced myself to not think about it and forget it ever happened. That night for some odd reason I didn’t stop thinking about it. I felt confused and frustrated so I started searching up what sexual assault looked like in children, basically what was considered to be sexual assault. When I was reading through the articles I saw that some of the points mentioned were what had happened to me, and then suddenly, I started crying hysterically but since it was night time I didn’t want anyone to hear so I just cried and cried all night, silently in my bedroom until I couldn’t anymore, then I fell asleep at dawn. The next day I didn’t know what to do with this information. I always use to think that what happened was just some sort of huge mistake, I even used to blame myself when I was younger. Now that I thought of it as being “sexual assault” it would make me feel sick. I felt disgusted I wanted to puke, I tried to make myself puke but couldn’t.
There are so many reasons as to why I never exactly labeled it as “sexual assault.” I didn’t think it was something serious enough as it only happened 2 or 3 times, or at least that’s all I remember. When it used to happen I didn’t really understand what it meant, so I never said “no” because it didn’t cross my mind that he could ever hurt me. I felt like it was partially my fault because I never said “no” but that was only because I trusted him. The person who did it was my brother after all and that never ever made sense to me. My mind was bombarded with questions like “why would your own brother do that to you when he’s family and he’s supposed to be protecting you from stuff like that?” My mom has always been careful to never leave me alone with any older men in the family, so it breaks my heart to think that it wasn’t some uncle or cousin who did it, it was my own brother. No one ever said I should be careful of him too.
Now I’m left with all this pent-up anger. When I grew older and started saying “no” he stopped and never asked me again. He went back to being a normal brother, it was like it never happened, so I thought that that’s what I should do and so I made myself never think about it again, but it eventually came back years later. Once I had realized that I was probably sexually assaulted the only person I could tell was my best friend. She’s amazing, she let me talk to her and she comforted me a lot, she let me just cry out to her. I felt relieved after telling her but a few weeks after it began hard to not think about it again. Whenever I see him now I can’t hold a conversation with him, I always just answer in short answers so as to avoid long convos. I barely see him because he tends to go out at night and sleep during the day which helps.
However, I’m having random outbursts when I’m around him, just recently he told my parents that I’ve been disrespectful towards him and just haven’t been acting right. Every time I see him all I can ever think about is what he did, I can’t get it out of my head. I told myself that it was years ago so I have to move on from this but it’s incredibly difficult. I made myself promise that I wouldn’t ever tell anyone and I’d take this secret to my grave. I get so angry when he asks me why I’m being so distant with him and why I’m not acting like how I normally do, I wanna just scream to him and ask him why he hurt me like that? How could he hurt me like that? What makes me angrier is how he went back to being a normal brother after it all stopped. He gets protective sometimes and my mom is always telling me that I should be a better sister because he cares about me, the thing is he actually does and that makes me conflicted as to how I should feel about him. Like does that mean I should just forgive him and forget about it? Would that be the best thing to do?
My dad also had a serious talk with me saying how family ties are important and I should be more respectful and kind to my brother, that made me laugh a little. During the talk, I couldn’t stop repeating in my head the words “you can’t tell anyone” even though the whole time I wanted to tell him why I act the way I do but I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t because that would ruin everything. It would ruin the family, or maybe my parents wouldn’t believe me, or maybe they would get so angry that something bad might happen, or maybe no one would really care since it happened years ago. I have so many concerns about all the possible outcomes of me telling them about what happened. I don’t think I could ever confront my brother or tell my parents about what happened. There’s a part of me that wants to, and there’s a part of me that thinks it would be better if I kept this all to myself.
I’m tired of feeling so hurt.
Dear Sister,
Thank you for reaching out.I know it must be really difficult for you to reflect on your experiences and share them, but you’ve shown a lot of strength and courage by coming forward. The first thing you need to know is that it is NOT your fault at all. You were a child and there was a power imbalance between you and your brother that made it hard for you to say no.
I’m glad that you were able to open up to a friend who was supportive, but I think it would also benefit you to talk to a counselor or therapist about it to receive professional help and follow up with them. There are also support groups that we can put you in touch with because unfortunately this happens to a lot of children. If you find it difficult to see a mental health professional because you don’t want your parents to know, you can always go through your school or college and use their counseling services.
It’s very important that you do get help so that what happened doesn’t impact your future relationships and ability to trust. You can heal from this and get to a point where it doesn’t hurt as much.
Some resources are listed below:
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN):
1 (800) 656-HOPE
1 (800) 656-(4673)
http://www.rainn.org/RAINN is the Nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1.800.656.HOPE & online.rainn.org), and publicizes the hotline’s free, confidential services; educates the public about sexual violence; and leads national efforts to prevent sexual violence, improve services to victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center:
http://www.nsvrc.org/
http://helpguide.org/
In terms of your family, you have some difficult decisions to make. You’re right that bringing it up will completely change the family dynamics. But what your brother did has already changed it, and you are not to blame. It makes sense for you to have conflicted feelings: love for your brother combined with resentment and maybe even fear. It isn’t healthy for you two to continue how you are right now.
If you feel unsafe around your brother or family, you can report the behavior so that your brother can get help and he doesn’t hurt anyone else.It is your choice if you want to tell your parents. This decision should come from you, without any coercion or manipulation from your brother or anyone else. You might decide that they don’t need to know. But remember, you don’t need to protect anyone— not your brother, nor your parents. If you want them to know, then you should come up with a plan on how to tell them. It’s really unfortunate, but sometimes parents find it hard to believe that their kids would do something like that so they might think you’re lying. This is why you have to tell them strategically. Make sure it doesn’t slip out in a time when everyone is emotional and arguing. Decide which parent you’re more comfortable having the conversation with, let them know that there’s something important you need to discuss. Preface that this is something that has been bothering you and you have been wanting to tell them.
Say as much or as little as you are comfortable with. Let them know you feel and how it hurts you. You might get mixed reactions. Your parents might be upset that you waited so long to tell them, or they may feel embarrassed or angry. They may not even process it. But remember that you’re strong and brave and there was a reason you chose to tell them, so try and be patient with them.
If you feel safe around your brother, you could have a conversation with him about what happened and how it continues to hurt you. Now this will be a very difficult conversation to have, so plan what you’re going to say and if you need someone you trust for support, like your friend, have them there with you. If you feel more comfortable having this conversation on the phone, through text, or writing a letter, that would be okay too. What’s important is to communicate your honest thoughts.
From how you’ve described him, it seems that he would be embarrassed and remorseful but may not express it directly and would rather pretend it never happened. It sounds like the arguments you two are getting into now stem from his feelings of guilt. If you choose to, the process of trusting him again will be long and difficult and require a lot of effort from both of you. You don’t need to forgive and forget but you can work towards repairing the relationship if both of you are willing to put the work in. I would like to reiterate that you don’t need to have this conversation unless you feel completely safe and if you choose to.
Additionally, remember that you’re not alone. All of your feelings are valid and you’ve been through more than anyone should have to. It’s okay to feel hurt or confused or angry. You can do any of the things I suggested if and whenever you feel comfortable. Most importantly, remember that it takes time to heal and you don’t need to do it alone.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima SK”P.S. Below are a few posts from others who were challenged with similar struggles (including responses from “Fatima” counselors)
With constant disappointment, I don’t know where to turn anymore.
