Guilt,procrastination and anxiety
Hello. I wanted to explain what I’ve been going through because honestly, I feel like I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what to do anymore.
For almost a year now, I’ve been struggling with procrastination and an inability to study properly. I try to sit down, attend classes and study, but I just can’t seem to retain or memorise information. Sometimes I feel like I’m reading or listening to things without anything actually entering my brain. I’ve tried changing my routines and finding different ways to study, but I keep ending up in the same place.
I feel depressed, anxious and overwhelmed most of the time. I constantly worry about my future, and I feel extremely guilty about how much time I’m wasting. I keep thinking I’m being a worthless daughter and disappointing my parents. I feel so ashamed of myself that sometimes I genuinely start hating myself. And then I get stuck in this cycle where I feel terrible about not studying, become overwhelmed by those feelings and end up avoiding studying even more.
For some background, I am female,24 yrs and I’m currently preparing for competitive examinations to get a job. But ever since I was young, I’ve been told that I should pursue these exams and make my family proud. My parents have very high expectations of me. I know they want the best for me, and I’m genuinely grateful for everything they do. But lately, I’ve started questioning whether this is actually what I want or whether I’ve just grown up believing that this is what I’m supposed to do.
Almost every conversation at home revolves around studying. How much have you studied? Are you studying? Have you completed this? I understand that they are concerned about my future, but sometimes I just want to talk about something else or have a normal conversation without everything coming back to my studies. Even when I ask for a break from these discussions, it turns into lectures about patience, discipline and success. I don’t hate my parents or blame them, but I do feel suffocated by the constant pressure sometimes.
What makes it worse is that I keep thinking about their sacrifices, the opportunities I’ve been given and how they’re getting older. I feel like I’m wasting their time and everything they’ve done for me. I feel terrible, and that guilt eventually turns into self-loathing. I keep telling myself I need to do better, but somehow I just keep repeating the same pattern.
I’ve also been trying to work on myself spiritually. I’ve been listening to Islamic lectures and trying to understand my deen better, strengthen my relationship with Allah and work on controlling my nafs. I genuinely want that connection. But sometimes one triggering thought or one conversation is enough to completely disturb me. Everything comes crashing down, and I find myself back in that same state of despair.
When this happens, I get physically anxious too. My heartbeat increases, my limbs and muscles feel weak, I feel like crying and sometimes the anxiety becomes really intense. My sleep schedule has been affected, and I feel like my overall health is suffering.
Sometimes, although not constantly, I even have thoughts about why I’m here in the first place. I don’t know how to explain it properly, but I feel emotionally exhausted.
I want to understand why I’m like this. Why can’t I study even when I desperately want to? Why do I keep getting overwhelmed by thoughts and conversations? Is this burnout, depression, anxiety or something else? Why do I feel like my entire worth as a person and daughter depends on how successful I become?
I just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to study without constantly feeling anxious and guilty, have a healthier relationship with my family, work on my faith without turning everything into another reason to feel bad about myself, and most importantly, stop being so hard on myself.
I don’t really know where to start, but I know I can’t keep going on like this. I think I need help.I feel like a failure who hasn’t even tried.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Salaams and thank you for sharing your heart-felt thoughts. It certainly must be exhausting to feel the way you describe. Before you continue reading this post, please pause and take some slow, deep, refreshing breaths. Each breath is a new breath, filled with fresh new energy, okay? Each breath fills you with Light and Peace, okay? Each breath is filled with Mercy. Now, with a self-compassionate, enlightened and peaceful outlook, please read on.
If you are not in a mental state to take these exams, please consider delaying them, or taking a gap year. There should be no guilt, self-blame, shame or loathing associated with taking a break. Remember Ya Rahman. How can you embrace this most important quality? The answer may be through self-compassion.
Your parents may have good intentions, but they need to understand the affect that the academic pressure has on you. Please tell them that this field of study may not be what YOU want. Tell them that their high expectations are causing you to feel anxious, ashamed and all the things you mention. It’s okay to share these emotions with them – they need to hear it. Ask them to take a step back. And if they still persist in pressuring you, it’s okay for you to put down a boundary and prioritize yourself – yes, you are allowed to do this at age 24! What does a boundary look like? Ask yourself what will bring you peace? One of the Asma ul Husna is Ya Salaamo – how can you embrace this attribute of Allah? Maybe through a few quiet moments of meditation or reflection daily, where you step back and remember that there’s a bigger picture of life. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your educational and career choices. Can you consult with a career coach or academic advisor, to help you narrow down what you want? And if these choices are not aligned with parents’ choices, try to communicate this gently to them. Don’t be driven by fear of disappointing them. Your primary responsibility, in this one precious life, is to yourself. Not in a selfish way, but in a self-caring way.
Please do not equate your worth with your academic performance or achievements. Let’s start a daily journal where you write down small things which make you pleased with yourself. It can be as simple as watering a plant. Just notice whatever makes you feel good about yourself. As you do good, notice your Light. It comes from Ya Nooro – the Divine Light. Mercy, Peace and Light are your birthright. You came into this dunya carrying a spirit (ruh) which is infused with strength and resiliency. Protect this most precious gift that you carry inside you. Be conscious of this gift, it defines you. Performance and achievement do not measure your worth. Allah looks at your goodness. You are a gift to your family, and you need to grow in your own self-fulfilling way. It may be hard for parents to understand this. But Allah understands and Loves you, after all He made you. Remember His Love and His acceptance. Is there one spiritual practice daily, that can help you be close to Him? Maybe just thinking about His Mercy, Love, Light and Peace, can help you.
Now, from a physical well-being perspective, please get your vitamin D, B, iron, and thyroid checked. Imbalances are quite common and can lead to difficulty focusing, low energy, low tolerance. Try to exercise at least 15 minutes a day – this can increase your serotonin and dopamine levels which will also help with managing the anxiety. Please discuss these challenges with a physician, or psychologist. You are an adult and can be responsible for your own choices. You don’t need to know all the answers right away. Just give yourself space and time to flourish.
Sincerely,
“Fatima FL”
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