I honestly don’t know what to do anymore
I’m a 17 year old boy and in a couple of months I’ll be 18 years old. I’m currently addicted to pornography and have been trying on and off to go to the right path and come back to Allah but failed. However, that is a story for another time.
Today I just want some answers to an event that happened to me that happened before this year’s Ramadhan that has been gnawing at me in last couple months.
As I have told in the post before, I’m currently 17 years old. For most of my teenage life, I’ve been addicted to porn. It all started when I was 11/12 years old during the pandemic and has now stuck with me ever since. For the longest time, I thought that I might not be able to get out, that I might just be a sinner for the rest of my life. I’ve tried repenting until I’ve lost count of how many times I did. I feel angry, guilty, and disappointed in myself. I want to come back but I keep failing, I keep betraying Allah and it makes the feeling even worse. I hate myself and I still do.
But, one time, I had a sliver of hope. Long story short, I was doing a group project with my friends. At first it was going smoothly, the prototype was finished on Saturday February 7. Originally, I had extra lessons I should’ve attended. But because I was busy (and I was also sick that day), I asked my mother to tell them I was not coming, my mother hesitated (sometimes I feel like my mother cares more about me as a student than as a person, this will be important later) but considering the condition I was in, she gave me permission. After that, I continued working on the project until it’s done. After it’s done, I went to sleep on my friend’s sofa since I was sick that day. I would also like to mention when it was Saturday, I was on my 9th day of not masturbating. It has been a long time since I have a good streak so I was quite happy, I was also starting to get on track to come back to Allah, taking my salat more seriously, dzikir after salat, it was nice. I felt like I was on the right track
Monday came, this week was a special one, because we had no normal school subjects. We had practical exams for the whole week instead, so we also get to go home earlier than usual. After finishing my practical exam that day, some of my group teammates decided to continue working on the group project. Originally, I wanted to come too, but I was still sick (I got sick for a pretty long time when all of this happened), so I went home instead. Unbeknownst to me, one of my group “friend” decided it was a good Idea to completely rip apart the first prototype to make the second one. Long story shot he FAILED and know my whole group is back to square one. Fast forward to Thursday February 12, I decided to help complete the group project (Extra info: none of my group friends could help him since he was egoistic but also incompetent, every time they tried to help, he would shrug them off and tell them he’ll do it himself). At this point I was a bit tilted, not only do I have practical exams, but now I also need to finish the group project again. It just so happens that today I had the extra lessons again (for context: I have extra lessons at Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. When it was Tuesday during my practical exam week, I asked my mother If I could only do half of the extra lessons since I need to help my group. She said no, but do you want to know what’s the most ridiculous part? her reason that I couldn’t do half session is not because she’s worried about me falling behind. SHE’S EMBARRASED BECAUSE ON SATURDAY I WAS SICK AND THE EXTRA LESSONS TEACHER CALLED HER TWO TIMES. I would’ve been fine if it were because of the former but hearing that, made my heart sank. I know it was just a small comment but for some reason it really bothers me, It’s almost as if she cares more about Image than me, then what am I mother 🙁 ). Anyways, there are multiple of source of “unease” on my mind.
1. I have to finish the prototype today since tomorrow I need to bring it to school
2. I’m on my 14th day of no masturbation, so the urge at the time was high but still manageable as long as I keep calm
3. I’m having extra lessons today so It’ll hinder my group project progress
4. The line that my mother said
Fast forward, I worked after dzuhur until asr, after that I went to the extra lessons place to study. Do you know what happened when I left my friend’s house? My group “friend” accidentally cut a copper wire and short circuited the whole thing. When my friend picked me up from the extra lesson place he told me about it and I was so done and tired to the point I just stopped, like I didn’t care about the project anymore, I just want to get it done. Also, I’m staying overnight at my friend’s house since I need to help my group “friend” who is egoistic but also incompetent. Fast forward to 12 AM, it’s dead of night, we’re almost finished but we ran out of materials, In conclusion we failed, I spent three hours trying to finish this project and we failed, you know why? Because my incompetent group friend didn’t account for anything, he just went with whatever happens mentality, so basically he had no concrete plan from the beginning, only some rough ideas. After that happened, he went on to sulk LIKE A CHILD AND WATCH A VIDEO ON HOW NOT TO KILL YOURSELF. HE DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW I FELT, HE ONLY CARED ABOUT HIMSELF. I could’ve ripped his whole sulking into shred but I was dead tired, so I went back to my friend’s room and went to bed. Originally, I didn’t want to stay at my friend’s house, I wanted to go home, I originally didn’t want to help the group project since it was hard to work with that person. The only reason that I went to my friend’s house (for context this friend’s house is a different friend, not the other incompetent guy) was because I keep having thoughts of what my mother said, I was still shaken by what she said that day and decided that I’ll just sleep at my friend’s house.
I finally went to bed at 00.30 in the morning, but I couldn’t sleep, my other friend was snoring so hard. Every single time I asked him to not snore he’d continue snoring moments later. I couldn’t sleep, I only got two hours of sleep that night. from 2 AM – 4 AM. When I got woken up by my other friend’s alarm (for context there are 2 friends and one incompetent guy, the alarm is from the other friend, not the friend who owns the house) I had it, I was DONE. I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I decided to do salat tahajjud until I can do my fajr. In that tahajjud, I ask to Allah to give me strength, I asked to Allah to please give me peace if this is one of your challenges, I can feel my urge getting bigger because of the stress, I BEGGED Allah for help. After I’m done with my salat, I went to take a shower, get dressed, grab all of my belongings, wake up my two other friends and the incompetent guy for fajr and left for school. I was SICK, I was TIRED, I was sleep DEPRIVED.
At this point I was done. I spent all day with a hazy mind, I couldn’t focus, I feel sick, I was stressed, the urge is getting stronger. When I got home and it was noon, I couldn’t handle it anymore, my patience broke. I immediately masturbated after 14 days of not masturbating. Until this day, I haven’t been able to get past more than 4 days
So, I just have one questions
WHY? WHY DID THAT DAY HAPPEN? WHY? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?????!?!!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I WAS DOING GOOD, I WAS ON THE TRACK FOR A WHILE, I AVOIDED STIMULATING MATERIALS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, I DO MY SALAT MORE SERIOUS, THERE WERE MANY NIGHTS WHERE I FOUGHT OF THE URGE. I WAS HAPPY FOR THE TIME BEING. SO WHY??!! WHY YA ALLAH??? WHY DID THAT HAPPEN YA ALLAH??! WHAT LESSON WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE??!! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO YA ALLAH? I ASKED, I ASKED FOR YOU TO GIVE ME STRENGTH, YET I FELT NOTHING. I FELT NOTHING. NOT ONCE IN THAT DAY THAT I HAD A MOMENT OF PEACE SO WHY YA ALLAH? DOES HE HATE ME? AM JUST NOT A GOOD PERSON? AM I SENTENCED TO HELL? WHY YA ALLAH??!! I BEGGED AND PRAYED FOR A QUESTION, FOR AN ANSWER, AND I GOT NOTHING. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, I TRIED MY HARDEST TO GET BACK ON THE TRACK, AND SUDDENLY IT ALL FALLS APPART LIKE DOMINO, ONE THING LEADING TO ANOTHER THING. WHAT LESSON WAS I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND YA ALLAH??!! WHY YA ALLAH??!! PLEASE ANSWER ME, I DONT UNDERSTAND
and from that point on this thought has always been ravaging my mind, I just don’t understand anymore. Why? Why did that day happen? it was so destructive it’s almost ridiculous. It’s like Allah was punishing or toying with me that’s why I don’t understand… why ya allah…
So please, do you have an answer to to my problem. I don’t know if I should continue believing or just give up, I feel tired.. broken… my spirit to fight doesn’t exist anymore. I was spiteful during Ramadhan and I still am. It’s so bad to the point that my family even give me lecture but every time I hear it it just fills me with rage, it’s like they’re mocking me. I know they meant well and that they don’t know the full story, but even if I do tell them, they’ll definitely just answer me to get over it and keep believing. But how? how can I believe when at the lowest point in my life… I felt NOTHING.
Am I a bad person? will I be able to go to heaven and see Allah and the prophet? Maybe I am just a bad person. I don’t know anymore.
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum Brother!!
I’m really glad you said all of this out openly. What you’re describing is intense, but it actually makes a lot more sense than it feels right now. First, I’m going to be very direct with you: That day wasn’t Allah punishing you or toying with you. It was a perfect storm of human stress, exhaustion, and triggers.
Look at what actually happened, not emotionally, but realistically: You were physically sick. You were sleep deprived (2 hours of sleep).You were under academic pressure. You were dealing with a difficult, frustrating teammate. You felt hurt by your mother’s comment. You had zero mental recovery time. You were already on day 14, when urges are naturally stronger. That’s not a normal day. That’s an overload.
When the brain is exhausted, stressed or emotionally hurt it loses self-control capacity. This isn’t weakness it’s how the brain works. Even very disciplined adults break under that combination. So the real answer to your “WHY?” is this. Because you were pushed past your limit. Not spiritually abandoned. Not cursed. Not fake in your efforts. Just overloaded as a human being. About your dua (this part matters a lot).You said: “I asked Allah for strength and felt nothing.” I understand why that hurt. But strength doesn’t always come as a feeling of peace. Sometimes strength looks like: you lasting 14 days when you used to not be able to, you praying Tahajjud despite being exhausted, you fighting urges for days before that moment. That was strength already happening.
But here’s the hard truth, Dua is not a guarantee that the situation will become easy. Sometimes it gives you the ability to try and the test is what you do when it’s still hard. That day, the difficulty didn’t decrease. It increased. And yes you fell. But falling after 14 days of fighting is not failure in the way you think it is. You’re asking a deeper question: “Am I a bad person? Does Allah hate me?” No. And I’m not saying that just to comfort you. A “bad person” doesn’t feel this level of guilt. Cry out like this. Keep trying to come back. Care this much about Allah. What you’re describing is actually the opposite. You’re someone who is struggling but still turning back.
In Islam, even repeatedly falling and returning is still valued. The door doesn’t close because you failed again. Even emotionally healthy people feel “nothing” under that level of stress. The real lesson from that day (not punishment).If we strip away the pain, the lesson is actually very practical. You cannot rely on willpower alone when your life is chaotic. You need structure, especially for addiction recovery. Sleep matters more than motivation. Stress management matters more than intention. Environment matters more than guilt. That day showed you your breaking point, not your worth. One thing I want you to shift Right now, you’re thinking: “I failed, so everything I did before is meaningless. “That’s not true. They prove something very important. You are capable of change. Even if right now you’re stuck at 4 days, that doesn’t erase the 14. It shows your range.
About your anger, toward family, toward everything. That anger you feel when people lecture you. That’s not because you’re bad. It’s because: they don’t understand your internal struggle. You feel judged instead of supported. You already feel guilty, so advice feels like pressure. That reaction is human. Don’t try to jump back to 14 days immediately. That’s too much pressure. Start smaller, aim for 3–5 days consistently. Focus on reducing triggers and improving sleep. Keep your prayers, even if you feel nothing. Stop interpreting every setback as a sign that Allah has abandoned you. That interpretation is hurting you more than the addiction itself. Night-time is your biggest danger zone.
This is where most relapses happen. Not because you’re weak but because you’re tired, you’re alone. Your brain wants comfort. Stay around family if possible. When going to bed, don’t take your phone into bed. If you can’t remove it completely, at least keep it away from your hand reach. If urge starts in bed. Sit up immediately. Leave the bed if needed. Drink water or go to bathroom or walk a bit. Try to distract.
That moment with your mom didn’t just annoy you. It hurt you deeply. You felt not understood, not prioritized, maybe not valued as a person. And when that feeling stayed inside you it added pressure which later came out as relapse. So here’s what you do differently next time. When something hurts you emotionally. Don’t ignore it. Don’t suppress it. Name it clearly in your head. “That hurt me.” “I feel upset about what she said. “Then release it in a healthy way. Write it down or talk to someone (if possible) or even say it in dua honestly. About your mom, I’ll be honest. What she said hurt you, yes. But it doesn’t necessarily mean she values image more than you. Sometimes parents speak without realizing impact, worry about social perception, express concern in the wrong way. But your pain is still valid. For now, instead of trying to “fix” her. Work on protecting your emotional state. That means: don’t overthink one comment. Don’t build a full conclusion about your worth from it. Because that thought: “She cares more about image than me “is what actually hurt you the most.
Right now, porn is acting as your stress release. If you remove it without replacing it your brain will go back to it, so try to walk alone, light exercise, even just sitting quietly without your phone or doing something repetitive like cleaning, organizing etc. Faith is not proven by how you feel in your lowest moment. Some of the strongest people go through periods where they feel nothing. What matters is, You still turned to Allah. You still asked. You still care. That’s not someone abandoned. You’re not starting from zero. You are someone who reached 14 days, prays, reflects deeply, wants to change.
That’s not a lost person. That’s someone in the middle of a fight. Don’t try to jump back to 14 days immediately. That’s too much pressure. Start smaller. Aim for 3–5 days consistently. Focus on reducing triggers , improving sleep ,keep your prayers, even if you feel nothing. And most importantly stop interpreting every setback as a sign that Allah has abandoned you. That interpretation is hurting you more than the addiction itself. If you give up now, what are you actually choosing? More of the same pain but without hope. You’re tired, not finished. There’s a difference. So don’t lose hope in the mercy of Allah.
Everything will be alright soon. In Shaa Allah!!
Warm regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/04/01/masturbating-addiction-part-2/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2026/03/09/masturbating-addiction/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2025/12/27/my-life-is-in-absolute-shambles/
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Habiba K
Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu Dear Brother.
I really admire your courage in sharing your experience. It is not easy to open up about something so heavy. Choosing to talk about what you are going through instead of fighting in silence is such an important step and it says so much about your strength. Beyond the struggle you described, I see someone who deeply cares about their connection with Allah and that is an admirable quality. It is completely natural to feel tired and overwhelmed, especially when it feels like things fell apart just as you were making progress, but please know that feeling this way does not mean your effort was wasted.
Also, it is important for you to know that you are not a bad person. Bad people do not spend years crying over their mistakes. They do not make the effort to wake up for tahajjud after only two hours of sleep, they do not beg Allah for help against temptation, and they do not care about seeing Allah and the Prophet (saw) in jannah. Your heart hurts like this only because your imaan is very much alive.
What happened that week was not just one isolated event; everything just hit you all at once. You were physically sick, sleep-deprived, and under intense academic stress. On top of that, you were dealing with conflict and frustration, while feeling deeply hurt by your mother’s words. You had already spent 14 days resisting urges, which takes a lot of mental energy on its own, and you then exhausted yourself fixing a situation caused by someone else’s poor choices. To add to all of that, you only got two hours of sleep. That is an enormous amount for anyone to carry, and it completely explains why your self-control ran out. Relapses and slip-ups do not usually happen when you are feeling strong, they hit when you are exhausted, isolated, overwhelmed, and emotionally hurt. That does not mean Allah abandoned you, it just says that you are human.
You asked why Allah let that happen. The truth is that none of us can fully grasp the depth of Allah’s wisdom, His plan is far bigger than what we can see. Rather than focusing on why the challenges occurred, it helps to focus on what Allah tells us about Himself. He promises in the Qur’an: “Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear” (2:286), and reminds us twice: “Indeed, with hardship comes ease” (94:5-6). So, this tells us that Allah did not promise a life completely free of trials, but He did promise that trials are never meaningless. And oftentimes, Allah allows hardships as a means to purify us and bring us closer to Him. While some difficult times may feel completely overwhelming, Allah has built the strength inside us to get through our specific test in life. And whenever we practice sabr and patiently navigate through the hard times, there is always growth, relief, and reward waiting for us on the other side.
Your words deeply touched my heart when you said that you prayed tahajjud, begged Allah, and felt nothing. Please know that not feeling an emotional shift does not mean Allah was not listening. Even the greatest believers had moments where relief did not come right away. Allah answers du’a in different ways: sometimes by fixing the problem immediately, sometimes by quietly building your strength for later, sometimes by delaying the answer for your own good, and sometimes by saving the reward for the Hereafter. So, please try not to let temporary feelings say to you that Allah’s mercy is not present because His promise to listen and answer is guaranteed.
Something else really stood out to me when you said that you failed after 14 days. But when I look at that, I see something completely different. I see someone who fought for 14 straight days. Those are 14 days where you chose Allah, kept up with your prayers, and pushed back against your urges. A setback on day 15 does not wipe out the previous 14. Allah is Ash Shakur (The Most Appreciative), and He appreciates every bit of effort you make. He does not throw away two weeks of sincere worship because of one slip-up. And a setback does not mean a lack of progress, it just says that healing is a journey of ups and downs, it is not a straight path. Moreover, your relapse was not random. You described exactly what led to it; emotional hurt from your mother, extreme stress, sleep deprivation, physical illness, frustration with your teammate, feeling trapped, and mental exhaustion. This whole experience did point to something incredibly valuable, which is that your struggle is not just about fighting desire, it also is about managing exhaustion, loneliness, emotional pain, and stress.
These appear to be some of your triggers. So, a trigger is anything that drains your energy, makes it harder to resist temptation, or pushes you to run back to old habits for quick comfort. Once you recognize your triggers, you can begin preparing for them instead of being caught off guard. You may not be able to prevent yourself from getting sick, feeling stressed, or experiencing disappointment, but you can have a plan for what you will do when those moments come. Often, real progress happens before the urge even gets strong. So, for example, when you notice that you are becoming emotionally overwhelmed, try not to wait until you are at your breaking point. If possible, step away from whatever is driving your stress, even if it is only for a few minutes. You can try making wudu, going for a walk, sitting somewhere other than your bedroom or calling or messaging a trusted friend. By giving yourself a moment to recharge early on, you take back control before the stress builds up and triggers a strong urge to fall into the old habit.
With regards to your question about going to jannah, the truth is that none of us can guarantee jannah for ourselves, but Allah says: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, He is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.'” (Qur’an 39:53). Notice that Allah is speaking to the ones who have transgressed against themselves. He did not say, do not come back if you have failed too many times, but He said not to despair of His Mercy. As long as we are alive, the door of tawbah is open. So please do not allow one unfortunate day to become the story of your entire life. Keep praying, even after you sin. Keep making tawbah, even if it is the hundredth time. Keep asking Allah, even when you do not feel anything. Imaan is not always measured by what we feel, but, often, it is measured by whether we continue walking toward Allah when our hearts feel empty.
May Allah make it easy for you and may your heart never despair of His Mercy. May He make this challenge a means of your purification and gather you with the Prophet (saw) in Jannatul Firdaus.
Your Sister in Islam
Community Support Volunteer Habiba K
Stay encouraged
As salaamu alaikum beloved. Phew. Have I had one of those days before. YES I HAVE!!! Let’s start with a deep breath. Pphheeeeww. Now, let’s get to it. First, no you are not being punished. Allah is not petty like us humans. Your 14 day streak was showing you you can do this. My problem was I was holding off but not processing what need it met in the first place. This way if something I was doing stopped working I could try a different solution. I found when I did something emotionally its harder to be consistent. But when I did something I processed why I had more control. So my first suggestion is really take a moment to ponder what need it met? What emotion it was speaking to or bringing relief to. Next thing is actually looking at your experience from the outside. If you knew someone that handled that type of experience you did, what would you say about that person’s character? I feel you are an amazing person. Extremely kind and considerate of others. Diligent. Passionate. A true team player. Someone that is about thw whole and not just about what serves you. I wish I had a friend like you in my life. Well I’m actually that friend to others. So pick your chin up and allow me to pat you on the back for having this character trait.
Now for your mother. Hear me clearly on this next point. GIVE HER A PASS!!!! Our parents have childhoods we could never imagine and struggle even today they can’t put words to. We tend to forgive strangers faster than our parents but they are really the ones that truly need it.
Lastly, because I feel like I maybe talking way too long, if Allah hated you, you wouldn’t feel remorse. I didn’t hear you say you were happy with this challenge and were not asking for relief. My understanding is we were created with the expectation we would be committing sins. Also, that if we asked for forgiveness earnestly we would be forgiven. Not that we ask for forgiveness and if we commit the same sin all bests are off. Give yourself some grace. We are all living this life for the first time and truly, those of us who have goals of paradise, will have moments and experiences that we may feel we truly missed the boat. Just keep starting over until you make it. And be forgiven when you fall. Take inventory of what’s going on with and around you that you reach for this as a remedy or solution and ponder over what else you may consider to replace it. Not doing nothing is not the answer. These feelings call for some form of action so give yourself options you feel may benefit your growth in a way you want. Again doing nothing or keeping busy or punishing yourself does not help. Coming closer to understanding what needs are calling to be met is more beneficial to our self growth, and pleasing Allah. I hope something I said is helpful and accepted as my good intentions to assist another believer striving to please Allah. Stay encouraged. By the way. While you failed the project know I am proud of your efforts.
Anonymous
Salaam dear brother,
Your words ring loud and clear of the pain, difficulty and struggle you find yourself in. Know that you are not alone in your struggle to overcome addiction and that every step you take to free yourself does not go unnoticed by Allah.
In your post you ask why you slipped back into the habit when you did so well to keep on track and even got up to pray tahajjud.
My brother, it sounds like from your post that you were expecting a lot of stress and burnout from the group project and from your family, specifically your mother and how you feel she may feel towards you. Your body was craving that dopamine to feel good and it went to the place where it felt it could get that quick fix.
This slip up does not mean that you can never get back on track again. It is possible and you have shown it before and that means that you will be able to do it again insha’Allah.
Don’t give up hope in Allah and that He will forgive you so long as you keep coming back to him. Also it is important that you do not lose hope in yourself.
You can do this my brother! Keep striving even if all you can manage is little steps. Your efforts are seen by Allah and He truly knows how much you want to get better.
May Allah alleviate you of your troubles and strengthen you to overcome your addiction.
All the Best,
Your sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL